Joust

PUBLISHER: HAL Labs

DEVELOPER: Williams Electronics (port by HAL Labs)

RELEASE DATE: Oct. 30th, 1987 (JP), October 1988 (US)

Like Xevious, another influential classic from the so-called “Golden Age” of arcade video games, Joust has never done anything for me. Shame too, because the premise has merit. Who wouldn’t want to control a knight on an ostrich and skewer all who oppose you? Unfortunately, the bad-on-purpose controls and monotonous gameplay turn an otherwise noble pursuit into a limp medieval display.

In Joust, your ostrich-riding knight appears stuck somewhere outside of a volcano. Only floating rock platforms keep him from falling into the lava below. At once, from these same platforms, rogue knights emerge perched on buzzards, keen to seek your demise. From here it’s a game of stab or be stabbed – but take heed! You must stab them above the waistline, lest their lances find your organs. Once an enemy is slain, an egg appears. Collect the egg quickly or another knight will emerge from the yolk within. When all the enemy knights are defeated, the landscape will change. Rock platforms will disappear. The lava will creep ever closer and try to pull you under. An unkillable pterodactyl will emerge from out of nowhere and fly wildly around the screen. It’s dark and hell is hot.

Yes, the gameplay is simple, as is often the case with old arcade games. Sometimes simple arcade gameplay works for me, like with Pac-Man or Galaga. In Joust’s case, I quickly grew weary of hitting knights and avoiding rabid pterodactyls. Particularly when the controls varied wildly between slippery and unwieldy. Honestly, it feels like the knight doesn’t have full control of the ostrich; not good, the ostrich is your faithful steed! Without these poor controls, would Joust even be notable? Would getting to the higher levels of the game be too easy without this intentional hindrance? I don’t know and – you guessed it – I don’t care.

D+

SIDENOTE: The NES version was ported by HAL Labs, the same developers behind Balloon Fight, which took its inspiration from Joust. Balloon Fight has similar, but far less irritating controls and is absolutely the superior game.

Subscribe now

MagMax

PUBLISHER: FCI

DEVELOPER: Nichibutsu (Nihon Bussan)

RELEASE DATE: Mar. 19th, 1986 (JP), October 1988 (US)

Not to be confused with Mad Max or Magma-X, MagMax is a horizontal shoot-em-up where you transform into a robot while you play! Yes, this is a neat idea. Yes, poor execution hinders the game from moving into full-on “Transformers” shooter fantasy territory.

You control MagMax, a ship that really wants to be a robot. Just some legs, a head and chest, and a wave beam gun, sir, nothing more. Luckily for Mag, these parts are strewn around the location of his next mission. Seems an evil three-headed dragon named Babylon wants to kill all humans and take over the galaxy. Coincidentally, only a ship-turned-robot can stop him.

Slowly acquiring the robot parts and seeing your ship expand is the best part of MagMax. Once you’re fully formed, you feel invincible, and you look like one of those cool 1960s-era robots to boot. The shooting around the shapeshifting, however, is very basic with little to recommend. Vague, formless enemies come at you in waves, while the environments – the desert, the caves, the ocean – are plain and drab. The lone exception is the Automated City, a mess of inorganic material that carries an unsettling vibe.

MagMax’s one other interesting feature is the ability to go below the surface while you fight. The “underneath” areas feature different landscapes, are much tougher than the ground levels, and are wholly optional. If you want an easier time, stay above ground. If you want your robot parts to go flying hither and yon, venture underground. Since the game loops, you could stay above ground for your first playthrough and move underground for your second, but that’s if you want to play MagMax for more than fifteen minutes.

Robots are cool, and Magmax knows this. Without the game’s unique (and enjoyable) transforming concept, the perfunctory shooting, bland level/enemy designs, and short play time would make this one of the NES’ worst shooters.

C-

1943: The Battle of Midway

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Capcom

RELEASE DATE: Jun. 20th, 1988 (JP), October 1988 (US)

The year 1943 arrived approximately 365 days after 1942 – and don’t let any conspiracy theorist tell you otherwise.

Capcom’s 1943: The Battle of Midway, however, comes two years after Micronics’ questionable NES port of 1942, and boy, what a difference an extra year makes. The latter played like it was stitched together with some duct tape and glue. The Battle of Midway plays like a big-budget blockbuster, complete with harrowing aerial theatrics and logic-defying lightning attacks.

The P-38 Lightning is back, ready to take on the entire Pacific theater singlehandedly with only a double shot and a picture of his gal on the cockpit. Oh, and a screen-clearing lightning strike. Not sure where the US military pulled that out of their “spared no expense” hat, but it’s nice to use when the planes and ships won’t stop buggin’.

As you shoot down various sizes of green planes and ship turrets, you’ll notice a couple things. The first is how smooth the P-38 Lightning flies and shoots. The gas must have some Red Bull thrown in for good measure, and frankly, I wish every shoot-em-up had a protagonist that moved this quickly without needing to acquire speed upgrades. The second is that the Lightning has steadily decreasing energy on the lower right side of the screen. Once that reaches zero and you get hit, game over. Quite the difference from 1942’s multiple lives, one-hit-kill approach, and I’m not sure which I prefer.

Like most shoot-em-ups and most war, 1943 is tough. Thankfully, the game does provide a few items and power-ups to ease your burden. Destroy all the red whirlybird planes, and you can get some extra energy, a shotgun-style weapon with no range that really sucks, a three-way spread shot that is the best and you should always use, and the occasional mini-fighter that shoots by your side. At the beginning of the game, you’re also allotted three points to power up your plane’s offensive or defensive power, energy level, special weapons, and special weapons time limit. Does this RPG-adjacent mechanic actually make a difference? Maybe if you don’t allot any points to the Lightning, it’s the equivalent of playing on Extra Hard or something. I didn’t take any chances.

One minute, you’re taking down battleships and gigantic bombers with relative ease. The next, your body is at the bottom of the Pacific covered in shrapnel, being slowly consumed by the ocean and its denizens. Unless, of course, you use a password to continue. 1943: The Battle of Midway is thankfully just a video game.

B+

Ghostbusters

PUBLISHER: Activision

DEVELOPER: Activision (port by Bits Laboratory)

RELEASE DATE: Sept. 22nd, 1986 (JP), Oct. 1988 (US)

Let’s get this out of the way, shall we?

This is one of the classic AVGN episodes. As of this writing, it has nearly 10 million views on YouTube and likely garnered millions more on ScrewAttack back in the day.

I haven’t seen the episode since it first debuted, although I did watch it several times then, and it very much colored my perspective on Ghostbusters.

Not every game the Nerd hates is bad. Silver Surfer, Milon’s Secret Castle, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit are three examples of games that aren’t great, but at least have some interesting design choices happening.

Ghostbusters is not among that company. It is one of the worst games that I’ve played on the NES thus far and possibly one of the worst NES games ever. I’m not going to print any of the Nerd’s creative expletives here, but rest assured, it earns every one of them.

Subscribe now

You start the game controlling the Ghostbusters icon on a map of New York City. Four areas are highlighted on the map: the Gas Station, the Shop, Ghostbusters Headquarters and Zuul Tower. The rest of the city is a mix of residential and commercial properties, filled with spirits and regret. The Ghostbusters have $10,000, but no busting equipment, so they have to go to the shop to purchase supplies. But you can’t just enter the shop, no, that would be too easy. You have to drive there.

Driving from one area to the next makes up the bulk of Ghostbusters’ gameplay, and it is tedium incarnate. A top-down view shows you the Ghostbuster vehicle driving on the road, while other cars flagrantly change lanes around you. If you hit them, money is instantly removed from your account. Your fuel runs down at a steady clip, and if/when you run out, two of the Ghostbusters have to push the car to the Gas Station, which eats up both time and money. Gas barrels do appear sparingly, so grab them when you can. These driving scenes don’t seem awful at first, but since you’re forced to drive literally everywhere you go, they do wear down your resolve over time.

The Busters are on a time crunch too. Spirits from all over creation are pouring into Zuul Tower and increasing the PK Energy meter at the bottom of the map screen. If the meter reaches 9999, Gozer’s gonna bust loose and destroy New York City.

Buy items, drive a lot, feel the time pressure, and earn more money from busting ghosts. After you buy the Ghost Alarm, different buildings will blink red, alerting you that ghosts are present. Every ghost busting screen looks the same. Four ghosts swirl around the area, and you try to catch them with your traps. The more ghosts you get, the more money you make. You can also catch ghosts while driving to jobs with the Ghost Vacuum on top of your car. This “ghost busting” section isn’t as awful as driving, but it does feel perfunctory, like the developers just couldn’t be bothered to come up with more satisfying gameplay.

Eventually, after you acquire enough money, the Zuul tower beckons you to go inside. Ray, Peter, and Egon (I think? They just look like generic sprites) are then forced to walk up 22 flights of stairs, all while ghosts swarm around and prevent you from moving forward. This section, along with the final Gozer fight, was added to the NES port, presumably to prolong the game. The Gozer fight isn’t bad, but ascending the stairs is torturous. Instead of just moving the guys forward with the D-pad, you tap ‘A’ until your thumb rebels.

If Ghostbusters doesn’t feel like an NES game, that’s because it isn’t. Ghostbusters originated on Commodore 64 in 1984 before being ported to most home computers of the day, along with the NES and the Master System. The C64 original is touted by retro gamers as being the best iteration of the game, while the NES version is regarded among the worst. Admittedly, I’ve never played the C64 version, so I don’t know. Since the C64 version contains most of the same gameplay as the NES version, how on earth could it be better? Designer David Crane and his small team supposedly only had six weeks to make the game, and while they have my sympathies, I think the limited development time says it all.

If Ghostbusters was a 1985/86 NES launch title, perhaps we would be a bit kinder to it today. Context is key, after all. Alongside games like Urban Champion and Donkey Kong Math, Ghostbusters is indeed a game you can play for longer than three minutes. Ghostbusters also released on the Famicom two years earlier in September 1986, so there’s no reason North America couldn’t have received it earlier.

An October 1988 release, however, is just far too late for this compromised computer game. In just three short years post-launch, the NES library had blossomed with groundbreaking action/adventures like Zelda, Metroid, and even other solid licensed titles like Goonies II. Why even bother with Ghostbusters?

Had developers Bits Laboratory toned down the driving, enhanced the ghost busting, and reworked the staircase sequence to be less egregious, maybe the result would be average instead of terrible. As it stands, Ghostbusters is a series of poor decisions hastily assembled by overworked developers on a time crunch. Ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts, perhaps, but the deadline remains terrifying.

F

Castlevania: The Adventure

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Konami

RELEASE DATE: Oct. 27th, 1989 (JP), Dec. 1989 (US), Aug. 8th, 1991 (EU)

Time… is Never Time At All

And with Castlevania: The Adventure, Game Boy’s 1989 North American lineup comes to an end.

In total, the Game Boy only received six games in its debut year. Now, two of those games are Tetris and Super Mario Land, so there were (as far as I know) no complaints. Still… only six games in four months? Yikes. Better than the N64 launch, perhaps, but worse than just about any other Nintendo console/handheld launch. Today’s gamers would break their keyboards, boycott Nintendo, and make hundreds of YouTube videos detailing why “NiNtEnDo HatEs GaMeRz!” for not putting out at least a couple dozen third-party ports along with no less than two first-party AAA-quality titles.

1989 was, if nothing else, a gentler time.

Speaking of which, time is important here on “Nintendo is Great.” In addition to the whole “exploring games in chronological order” thing that is this Substack’s way of operating, a game’s release date and the console/handheld it was released for dictates how I approach it.

Perhaps this goes without saying, but I’m not going to hold Castlevania: The Adventure next to any of the NES Castlevanias and say it doesn’t measure up. Pretty much no Game Boy games measure up next to NES or SNES games, let alone games for later Nintendo consoles. All games released for their individual systems, whether Game Boy, NES, SNES, N64, etc. are considered both in the context of the time they released and which system they released for.

For example: Castlevania: The Adventure is not a good Castlevania game, full stop, nor would I consider it even a solid Game Boy experience today. In December 1989, though? There was no other handheld action game like it. (Sorry, Electrocop on Atari Lynx. You have color, but you’re not Castlevania.)

Funky Cryptkeeper

You control Christopher Belmont, Simon Belmont’s ancestor, in his quest to kill Dracula. He’s equipped with a whip annnnnd that’s it. No secondary weapons are found here, presumably due to technical limitations. The game has a hard enough time with Chris and Dracula’s ghouls simply walking around, I imagine an axe flying across the screen would send the Game Boy over the edge.

Subscribe now

Christopher traverses through four reasonably sized areas – the Graveyard, the Caverns, Death Tower, and Castlevania – and cracks down foes like the rolling Big Eyes that explode when you hit them and the unfortunately named Punaguchi, a big hand with a mouth in its center that releases electric balls. Terrifying! The lamps from NES Castlevania return, although the gifts they give are few. If you’re lucky, you’ll find the occasional whip upgrade, some hearts (which add to your life bar, unlike hearts in the NES games), and a cross that makes you invincible. Mostly, you’ll be bombarded with coins which do nothing except add to your point total.

Castlevania: The Adventure is also a very intense platformer - which is a shame because Christopher’s jumping skills are subpar at best. Starting in the Graveyard where you’re forced to hop along a series of precariously placed blocks, the game just really loves making this stiff, presumably arthritic warrior jump as much as possible.

Death Tower lives up to its name. A wall of spikes automatically moves towards you while you zig zag through narrow corridors filled with enemies, leap across trembling platforms, and haul balls up a rope or three. Just when you think you’ve outrun the wall from the left, the level changes direction, and suddenly you’re ascending with the spikes slowly moving underneath you.

This is the level, friends. This is the level that as a 1989 kid would have both infuriated and stunned me. How is this possible on Game Boy? Sure, everything is moving at 10 frames-per-second, but it’s all happening, not on a television screen, but on something you can play under your covers (provided you have a worm light, of course). You might die constantly, but you’re also in awe that you’re here, in this moment, with this game.

Today, however, both Death Tower and the game that surrounds it, are a drag. Cheap deaths, lackluster gameplay, barren maps, chuggy framerate, and stodgy controls make Castlevania: The Adventure really difficult to play in this, Our Modern Times. What kept me persevering through this 8-bit crypt, more than anything, was the killer soundtrack, the only element of this game that still fills me with classic vampire-slaying vibes.

Castlevania: The Adventure got really solid reviews at the time of its release. EGM’s four-man Review Crew could be notorious curmudgeons, and even they gave it three 8s and a 7 out of 10. That sounds about right, honestly. Before decades of handheld technology would render Castlevania’s first Game Boy outing stale and obsolete, its mere existence was an achievement and a testament to what could be possible on Nintendo’s inaugural handheld system. Basic puzzle and sports games on the Game Boy are one thing. Portable Mario and Castlevania games that even remotely resemble their big console brothers are quite another.

1989: B+

Today: C-/D+ (the incredible soundtrack covers a multitude of sins)

If you’re interested in following/playing along, or if you’d just like to catch up on previous posts, the Master Games List will help!

Super Mario Bros. 2

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Nintendo

RELEASE DATE: Oct. 9th, 1988 (US), Apr. 28th, 1989 (EU), Sept. 14th, 1992 (JP)

The original Super Mario Bros. is the influential one, the one that changed the world for the better. Super Mario Bros. 3 is the crowd-pleaser, the one who’s so good at what they do, people can’t help but praise their achievements. Super Mario Bros. 2, by contrast, is the introverted middle child in the NES trilogy, the weird one that doesn’t fit or belong, despite its positive qualities. Some people love Mario 2 with all its quirks and eccentricities. Others look at it sideways and think, what is this pretender doing here next to two of the most acclaimed video games of all time?

She’s A Weird One, Miyamoto-San

Whether you like or loathe Super Mario Bros. 2, we can all agree that it’s… different. It takes place in Subcon, not the Mushroom Kingdom. The veggie-hating Wart is the main villain, not Bowser. The Princess doesn’t need to be rescued at all. In fact, she’s a playable character for the first time ever. And not just the Princess, for that matter. You can also play as Luigi and Toad - alongside Mario, of course. The game is still only one-player (a slight step back from the first Super Mario Bros.’ alternating two-player), but that doesn’t matter. On the NES at least, Super Mario Bros. 2 was the first game to feature four unique playable characters for every level.

All four characters are their own person, warts (ha) and all. Mario is the boring, but reliable fellow; he’s decent at everything with no discernible flaws. Luigi jumps really high, flittering his legs as he goes, but he’s slippery as well; sorta hard to control. Toad moves fast and pulls up vegetables/digs quickly, but he’s short and can’t jump very high. The Princess floats for long distances, but her pulling ability is crap; the latter makes her terrible to use in boss battles.

Rather than a straightforward sequel where Mario runs as fast as he can to the flag post, smashing Goombas and stomping Koopas all the while, SMB2 opts for a more leisurely pace. There is no time limit. The player is encouraged and expected to dig up the grass tufts that litter the ground. Three of the game’s most common enemies, Snifits, Shyguys, and Tweeters, all saunter and hop slowly towards the player, as if they’re not in any rush to hinder your journey.

In one of the biggest differences from the original game, Mario and co. are often forced to ascend or descend in vertical sections. Sometimes they’re climbing up vines or chains, other times they’re digging through sand. Either way, compared to Super Mario Bros.’ straightforward horizontal side-scrolling, SMB2’s vertical sections are slower and more methodically paced.

SMB2 doesn’t have power-ups, at least not in the way the first did. Mushrooms are only found in Subspace (more on that later), they add one hit point to your life bar, and they no longer make you big. Fire flowers are completely absent. Invincibility stars are present but only appear after you’ve collected five cherries. Mario and co. also can’t jump on enemies to kill them. They either need to hit them with the vegetables they find in the ground, pick the enemies up and throw them into each other, or find a POW block and smash it wherever their heart desires.

But let’s get back to the magic potion. The potion creates a door which opens into Subspace, a dark alternate plane where no enemies exist, but where The Four (as I will henceforth call them) can pick up a Mushroom or some coins via grass tufts on the ground. That’s right, coins, a Mario staple, are relegated to Subspace and are only used for the bonus slot machine game at the end of every level. No 100 coins for a 1up here. Instead, you either find 1ups hidden in grass tufts or earn them via the slot machine. Now that I think about it, I was probably first exposed to gambling as a kid via Super Mario Bros. 2. So uh, thanks for that, Nintendo!

SMB2, despite not really fitting alongside other entries in the series, does feature a lot of “firsts.” The first appearance of enemies like Bob-omb, Shyguy, Snifit, Ninji, Pokey, and everyone’s favorite glam queen, Birdo. SMB2’s second world is also a desert, a theme that would be revisited in SMB3 and oh so many Mario games after that. The “play as four different characters” idea would also appear 20+ years later in New Super Mario Bros. Wii and NSMB U, albeit sans the Princess, who was busy being kidnapped. Thankfully, Super Mario 3D World does include the Princess as a playable character, and she wears a cat suit this time which makes everything better.

Subscribe now

Put On Your Costumes

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Is Super Mario Bros. 2 a Mario game at all, or is it just Doki Doki Panic wearing a costume?

For those who aren’t aware, Super Mario Bros. 2 is a Mario-themed re-skin of the Famicom Disk System game, Yume Kojo: Doki Doki Panic (Dream Factory: Heart Pounding Panic). The original Super Mario Bros. 2, released in Japan for the FDS on June 3^rd, 1986, was more like the first Super Mario Bros., only considerably more difficult. In fact, Howard Philips, Nintendo of America’s spokesperson at the time, tried to convince his bosses that the Japanese SMB2 would not be well-received by American players. Minoru Arakawa, NoA’s then-President, requested that Nintendo of Japan rework Doki Doki Panic into a Mario game, and somewhat surprisingly, they agreed.

According to Chris Kohler’s 2011 article, “The Secret History of Super Mario Bros. 2,” Kohler writes, “Doki Doki Panic was actually part of a deal with the Fuji corporation, in which Nintendo would produce a tie-in videogame for a media-technology expo called Yume Kojo, or ‘Dream Factory.’ The mascot characters invented for this expo were the stars of the game.” Doki Doki Panic’s mascot characters are an Arabian family named Imajin, Lina, Mama, and Papa. In the Mario 2 re-skin, Imajin became Mario, Lina became Princess, Mama became Luigi (lol), and Papa became Toad. While Fuji TV created their mascot designs, other characters in Doki Doki Panic were original Nintendo creations.

When Nintendo changed Doki Doki Panic into Super Mario Bros. 2 for the West, they made lots of little changes to make the game feel slightly more Mario-like. For example: the stackable mushroom blocks were originally terrifying face masks, Koopa shells replaced blackface heads (excellent call), and the mushroom that gives The Four an extra hit point was originally a heart. Items like coins and POW blocks were, interestingly, already programmed into Doki Doki Panic, so no changes were needed there.

I’m Conflicted

At some point, I’d love to play and review Doki Doki Panic on its own merits, to see if it holds up as its own game. Super Mario Bros. 2 is a very professional re-skin, but it is a re-skin, nonetheless. Both in 1988 and today, SMB2 doesn’t really feel like a game designed for the ground up to feature Mario. Now, that said, I still consider it a Mario game. Too many elements and characters from SMB2 have made their way to various other Mario games over the years for me to write it off or disregard it. But it’s my least favorite game in the Mario NES trilogy by a wide margin.

I know that last sentence probably irritated some folks, so let me start off with some positives. I absolutely love the one-of-a-kind vibes Super Mario Bros. 2. emanates throughout. The whole game feels like a surreal lucid dream (probably why Nintendo chose to frame the story as Mario’s dream). While Nintendo did excise some of Doki Doki Panic’s exotic flavor, they wisely kept some in, like the Phanto mask that chases you when you get a key, the ornate pots that act like pipes from other Mario games, and the Japanese Karura mask you enter at the end of every level. I love the whales and their waterspouts in World 4, I love riding on the Albatrosses in Worlds 6 and 7, and I love pulling up the rocket ship from a grass tuft in Worlds 4 and 7. Little touches like these have that arresting Nintendo magic that’s impossible not to appreciate.

Unfortunately, Super Mario Bros. 2 itself just… isn’t very fun. That’s a weird sentence for me to type, honestly. I’ve sunk hours into this game throughout my many decades on this planet. I grew up playing it, enjoyed it on the Super Mario All-Stars collection in the 90s, and have revisited it intermittently into my 20s and 30s. Yet despite the nostalgia that consumes my being every time I replay it, I must face facts and admit that the gameplay just doesn’t provide the same fulfillment as the other Mario NES entries. It lacks the seemingly limitless secrets and creativity that Super Mario Bros. 3 provides, and it also lacks the incredible running-based rhythm from the original Super Mario Bros. SMB 2 has personality and style to spare, but its main mechanic/gimmick – picking things up and throwing them - satisfies less and less over the course of 20 levels and 7 worlds.

I may not love Super Mario Bros. 2, but I appreciate its role within the Mario canon at large. It brought us beloved icons, like Birdo, and paved the way for simultaneous four-player multiplayer in later Mario entries. Its very existence is a reminder that Nintendo of Japan was, at one time, a small company that could be persuaded by their American branch to make a different Mario game for Western audiences. An event like Super Mario Bros. 2 will never happen again, and that, more than its gameplay, is why it’s so special.

B

If you’re interested in more Super Mario Bros. 2 info, please check out these excellent articles!

“There’s Super Mario DNA in Doki Doki Panic” by Drew Mackie

“The History of Super Mario Bros.” by Rus McLaughlin

“The Secret History of Super Mario Bros. 2” by Chris Kohler

Tennis

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Nintendo

RELEASE DATE: May 29th, 1989 (JP), Jul. 31st, 1989 (US), 1990 (EU)

Mario takes off his flashy red hero hat and dons a more subtle, sophisticated referee cap for the second time in Nintendo’s Tennis. The first time he did this was, of course, in Tennis for the NES. Mario looked very small there, almost smooshed down in his referee chair, not super at all, more mustache than man. The players in the NES version resemble ghouls with their beady eyes, absence of mouth, and spindly legs that skitter across the court. Here, on Game Boy, the players still lack mouths, but their large eyes and squatty stature make them considerably less frightening.

What should we expect from a handheld tennis game from 1989? Four difficulty levels and two-player simultaneous play with the Link Cable. No real players, no different types of court. Serving, volleying, and smashing have a surprising amount of depth. ‘A’ and ‘B’ are used to hit the ball, but if you want to get the one-up on your opponent, you must employ the Control Pad to steer it in your preferred direction.

My only beef with GB Tennis is how slow the players are. Say what you will about the questionable player designs in NES Tennis, they had a speed and tenacity that the GB players lack. In my time with the game, it wasn’t uncommon for my opponent to hit a ball relatively close to me and my player still not reach it in time before the ball bounced again. I acknowledge that I might just suck at GB Tennis, that I should better plan and predict where my opponent will hit the ball next. Even if this is the case, I still wish the players moved just a little faster.

Mario would later get his hefty plumber cheeks out of the referee chair and onto the court, but in 1989, he didn’t yet know that Nintendo would force him and his friends to play tennis for decades on end. No, in 1989, Mario was just a humble referee, and GB Tennis was just a tennis game, simple, pure, and completely content in its mundanity.

C

Tetris

PUBLISHER: Nintendo

DEVELOPER: Alexey Pajitnov (port by Nintendo)

RELEASE DATE: Jun. 14th, 1989 (JP), Jul. 31st, 1989 (US), Sept. 28th, 1990 (EU)

History

The story of Tetris on the Game Boy can be read in the opening credits…

“Original concept, design, and program by Alexey Pajitnov.”

Pajitnov made Tetris either in 1984 or 1985 (depending on the source) for the Soviet computer Elektronika 60, while working at the Dorodnitsyn Computing Centre of the Soviet Academy of Sciences.

According to “The Bizarre History of Tetris” article by Mindy Weisberger, “Pajitnov was inspired by a puzzle game called “pentominoes,” in which different wooden shapes made of five equal squares are assembled in a box. …Pajitnov imagined the shapes falling from above into a glass, with players controlling the shapes and guiding them into place. Pajitnov adapted the shapes to four squares each and programmed the game in his spare time, dubbing it “Tetris.” The name combined the Latin word “tetra” — the numerical prefix “four,” for the four squares of each puzzle piece — and “tennis,” Pajitnov’s favorite game.”

“TM and ©1987 Elorg…”

Tetris was a hit within the Soviet Union. Bootleg copies were spread across the region and even into Eastern Europe, but there was a problem. Pajitnov may have created Tetris, but because he created it within the Soviet Union, the game’s copyright was property of the government. Specifically, Elektronorgtechnica or “Elorg” for short, a new bureau created to administer foreign rights of Soviet computer hardware and software. Only Elorg, not Pajitnov, could decide which companies could release Tetris around the world.

“Tetris licensed to Bullet-Proof Software… ©1989 Bullet-Proof Software.”

Enter Bullet-Proof Software and the company’s founder, Henk Rogers. Rogers was looking for games to sell to Japanese markets at the 1988 Winter Consumer Electronics Show. After playing Tetris there, he knew he had found his game. Atari Games subsidiary, Tengen, sold Rogers the rights to publish Tetris for the computers and for Famicom in Japan in late 1988. The Famicom version sold two million copies, which aroused the interest of Nintendo in the game.

“…sub-licensed to Nintendo… ©1989 Nintendo.”

Depending on the source, Nintendo of America President Minoru Arakawa either asked Rogers if he could secure the handheld rights for Tetris for Nintendo’s upcoming Game Boy, or Rogers went out of his way to pitch Tetris as a pack-in Game Boy game to Arakawa, who was skeptical. Either way, Rogers went to Elorg in Moscow for the first time, and after some lengthy discussions and even potential competition, Rogers was awarded the handheld rights for Tetris. In 1989, Rogers would also receive the console rights, which allowed Nintendo to make the NES version of Tetris.

There’s a lot of 1980s Tetris history I’m not going to cover here, including Robert Stein and his illegal acquiring of the Tetris rights, which he sold to Mirrorsoft and sister company, Spectrum Holobyte. How Tengen thought they acquired rights for Tetris and made their own NES version before Nintendo did. Also, how Sega made their own version of Tetris for the arcade and the Genesis in Japan, but would later pull it due to their own rights issues.

All these strands are fascinating, but for the purpose of article length, and the fact that we’re specifically discussing the Game Boy version of Tetris, I’m choosing not to go down these specific rabbit holes. Perhaps another time!

Subscribe now

The Greatest?

Nearly 40 years after its release, many gamers, including Pajitnov himself, still consider Game Boy Tetris to be their favorite iteration of the game. Is this pure nostalgia or is this version really that incredible?

To be honest, I don’t know. Tetris on Game Boy certainly has a lot to recommend. The now-iconic Soviet folk-song soundtrack, buttery-smooth controls, and that classic falling-block gameplay millions of people know and love. One would think the gray and green graphics and lack of aesthetic frills would be an issue for gamers, but if anything, I think they only make Game Boy Tetris more endearing.

While modern versions of Tetris Effect draw gamers in with absorbing dreamscapes and ethereal music, Game Boy Tetris is just Tetris. Simple, straightforward, easy to pick up and play for five minutes or five hours, depending on your addiction level. Tetris, not Super Mario Land, sold the Game Boy to millions of consumers who might not have played a video game since the Golden Age of arcades. My grandma played it for hours at a time. Even my aunt - who could care less about video games - played it. And, of course, my friends and I played it. When I was a lad, Tetris was one of the few games I even cared to play on Game Boy. Not because it was my favorite game, but because it just works on the handheld. Good on Henk Rogers for pursuing the game as aggressively as he did. Tetris and Game Boy feel like they were meant for each other.

When Game Boy Tetris dropped on Nintendo Switch Online three years ago, I played it for hours longer than I intended. What started as a quick visit with an old friend turned into a rambling conversation, one that neither of us wanted to end. This is not normal for me. Usually when games drop on NSO, I try them for a bit, then move on when I see how poorly the game has aged. GB Tetris brought me back in, though, despite the game’s perceived inadequacies.

Yeah, it’s old. Yeah, it’s monochrome. And yeah, it offers nothing other than two modes of Tetris (mode B is very underrated). Really, though, what else do you need? Tetris is a full meal in and of itself. Future versions of Tetris are often weighed down with unnecessary content and complexity. GB Tetris’ provides Alexey Pajitnov’s creation in its purest form, and the result remains both refreshing and liberating.

A

*images courtesy of Propagandaworld Archive, Stache Cow, Wikipedia, and X

Let’s dive in.

There was once a time, friends, when The Legend of Zelda was just a single game. Not an insanely popular franchise spanning decades. Just a lone adventure that millions of kids adored throughout the late 80s. This thinly-veiled sales copy is a reminder of that.

Trying to make Volleyball sound like a fun game? Oh, you better believe that’s a paddlin’. Also, notice that the Volleyball player and the Slalom skier’s behinds are considerably less, er, confrontational than they are in their respective games.

Some of these tips, like “Small Fiery Mario,” I did not know. But what really gives me pause is the bold assertion at the bottom of the second column that Minus Worlds Two, Three, and Four exist! Japan’s been holding out!

The NES Advantage is the second best NES controller after the dog-bone variant, and if you’ve never tried one, you’re missing out. Also, the “Lance” in the photo is none other than Lance Barr, an industrial designer who worked at Nintendo of America for almost 40 years. He is credited with designing the look of the NES, the SNES, the Zapper, and the Advantage. An absolute legend.

Well, this is… something. I know child prodigies exist, but if this five-year-old really put this incredible garbage robot together without her parents’ help, then what the heck does she need ROB for? Let ROB help a lesser minded child!

Where is Katherine Spiers today, though? She’s 42 or 43-years-old as of 2025. Hope she’s well.

Subscribe now

Ah yes, the coveted Nintendo seal of “quality.” Basically, pay Nintendo a licensing fee and they’ll slap one of those seals on your game, even if the game in question is not playable.

Also, can you name the games on this list that never actually came to North American territories? Let me know in the comments!

Not gonna lie, Howard Philips’ role at Nintendo of America sounds pretty awesome. Good on him for landing such an amazing position before Nintendo really blew up in America.

Also, I’d love to meet someone that beat Ganon and called that 800 number to let Nintendo know of their gaming prowess.

I’ve touched on the How to Win at Super Mario Bros. book and the Nintendo scorepads before, but I’ve never seen these hot t-shirts and sweatshirts, modeled by Mr. Philips himself.

Also, in the first Fun Club newsletter, the book and scorepads were free, but now they cost money. Quite the fast turnaround!

Only Steven Simms’ letter sounds legitimate. The others sound like Nintendo employees.

As for me, I’ll be starting a local Fun Club chapter here in Arizona and throwing a totally tubular “video party” for me and my friends.

This crossword puzzle is tough. 80s gamers wouldn’t want it any other way.

This release list implies that The Legend of Zelda is already available in stores, but Metroid is still coming soon. Does this mean that Zelda and Metroid didn’t release in the same month? Could the Internet have lied to us?!

Do you have any fond memories of the Nintendo Fun Club Newsletter? Did you beat Ganon in the summer of 1987? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!

The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)

DIRECTED BY: Aaron Horvath, Michael Jelenic

WRITTEN BY: Matthew Fogel

STARRING: Chris Pratt, Charlie Day, Anya Taylor Joy, Jack Black, Seth Rogen, Keegan Michael-Key, Fred Armisen

RUNTIME: 92 minutes

RATING: PG (for action and mild violence)

The Super Mario Bros. Movie was born of trauma. A thirty-year old trauma, to be precise.

When Nintendo’s first attempt at a Mario film released in 1993, it was the exact opposite of everything the conservative Japanese company and the movie going public expected. It was loud. It was crude. Most importantly, it failed to accurately reflect the whimsical, colorful nature of the games. Dino-hattan is the filmmakers’ strange answer to the Mushroom Kingdom, and its dark, dystopian architecture and vibe looks like something out of “Blade Runner,” not Nintendo developers’ joyful imaginations.

Audiences unanimously rejected the film. It only made $38.9 million worldwide on a budget of anywhere between $42-48 million. Nintendo was humiliated and would, for decades, shut down any attempts to make films based off their beloved properties.

This is why, when you watch The Super Mario Bros. Movie, the first word that comes to mind is “safe.” Zero risks taken. Nintendo and Illumination provide exactly what you expect from a Mario movie, no more, no less.

BE YE WARNED, SPOILERS AHEAD

The movie opens with Bowser stealing the Super Star from the adorable penguins in the Snow Kingdom, establishing him as a force to be reckoned with. It then transitions to Brooklyn where we meet Mario and Luigi. They’ve recently quit their construction jobs and have just started a plumbing business. After a disastrous first house call and some good ol’ family guilt brings their mood down, the brothers see an opportunity to make a name for themselves when the streets of Brooklyn flood unexpectedly. One thing leads to another1, and our heroes are thrust into a magical green pipe. Mario gets flung to the Mushroom Kingdom, home of the Toads and the invincible Princess Peach, while Luigi lands in the Dark Lands where Bowser and his minions live.

Can you see where this plot is heading? Mario meets Toad in the Mushroom Kingdom, tells him about Luigi, and Toad leads him to the Princess. The Princess is skeptical of Mario for two seconds, until she realizes he’s a human and is stoked because (presumably) she’s a human too. Mario tells her about Luigi, she warns him about Bowser in one of the film’s many uncalled-for jabs at its main hero (“you’re just so small”), and after a brief training montage, Mario and Princess are off to stop Bowser and save Luigi by enlisting the help of the Kong army.

Mario and Donkey Kong fight. The whole gang drive karts on Rainbow Road. Bowser wants to marry Princess Peach (Jack Black’s tribute song “Peaches” is one of the film’s few inspired moments). An enormous Bullet Bill explodes in a pipe and brings the main cast and Bowser’s kingdom/airship into Brooklyn. Here, Mario and Luigi gain access to the Super Star, defeat Bowser, and win some much-needed fatherly affection. The brothers then move to the Mushroom Kingdom where they’re both heroes and plumbers in a nation built on pipes.

I blaze through the film’s plot points, not because I think they’re stupid or because I don’t care, but because the film itself moves so quickly through them. With rare exception, The Super Mario Bros. Movie barely gives the audience a chance to breathe. Indeed, the script seems mostly concerned with moving from one set piece to another.

And look, I am a huge fan of films being two hours or under. Too many films are an unnecessary two and a half or even three hours these days, so I appreciate not having my time wasted. That said, The SMB Movie’s 92 minutes (including credits) could have benefited from an extra 10-15 minutes of character development, world-building - anything to flesh out the Mario universe we’ve waited several decades to see brought to life.

Subscribe now

Let’s Rap

Let’s start things off on the positive end. The voice acting ranges from good-to-excellent, the animation is the best I’ve ever seen from Illumination, and the (for the most part) dedication to the source material is much appreciated. As a long-time Nintendo fan, I love the easter eggs, like Luigi’s ringtone being the GameCube intro, or all the Brooklyn businesses with deep-cut names like the “Disk Kun Hardware Store.” The glimpses we get into the Mushroom Kingdom, the Kong Kingdom, and Bowser’s Dark Lands are also wonderful. I just wish I didn’t feel like a tourist in a taxicab in these areas. I don’t want to look out the window as they pass by, I want to dwell in them.

I’m mixed on Mario’s characterization. I understand that the movie is a Mario origin story, and that Mario’s whole arc is not knowing when to quit, of which he is tested multiple times throughout the film. But dang, does the movie take a lot of potshots at him. Spike, his family, Peach, the Kongs, the guy can’t catch a break with anyone. I think Peach calling him “mustache” is intended to be endearing, but I found it annoying and demeaning. Worse yet, I don’t think the movie gives Mario much character at all, outside of relentless determination. This is fine for a Mario game that has little story to begin with, but in the film, I expected more of a defined personality from the main character of this enormous franchise. That said, Mario and Luigi’s brotherly love and affection for each other feels genuine and heartfelt, and I loved when they came together to fight Bowser at the end.

Jack Black also nails Bowser’s scary/hilarious demeanor. Out of all the voice cast, Black’s dialogue and performance feels the most true to the character.

Peach deserves her own paragraph. She’s a girlboss, and… I get it, she’s the Princess of an entire country, she has to be strong and determined to lead and protect the Toads. Outside of her occasional Mario ribbing, I appreciate that she does seem to care for him and even compliments him after the Donkey Kong fight. But as with most girlbosses in modern films, she does everything right and makes zero mistakes, which means her character doesn’t grow in the film at all. She gets hit one time because the plot requires it, but otherwise, she’s perfect.

I am glad the plot doesn’t revolve around Bowser kidnapping the Princess. We’ve been playing that game for 40 years at this point, no need to see it yet again on the big screen.

Oh, and why do both the Mario and Sonic films rely so heavily on real-world songs for their soundtracks, when both franchises have banger game soundtracks? Mario incorporates more of the series’ musical themes into its soundtrack than Sonic, but the handful of on-the-nose songs here, like Bonnie Tyler’s “I Need a Hero” or the Beastie Boys’ “No Sleep ‘Til Brooklyn” really make me groan.

Great Expectations

When I first saw The Super Mario Bros. Movie in 2023, it delivered exactly what I expected, and, at the time, I was fine with that. I was also surprised at how harsh the critics were. This was a film based on the story-lite Mario universe, what were they expecting, “Lawrence of Arabia”?

Last night, though, I watched the film for the first time in almost three years and I felt conflicted. On one hand, it’s a Mario movie. It features all the main characters, solid performances, tons of fan service, and beautiful visuals. On the other hand, the anemic plot, the rushed pacing, and the film’s inability to take any risks make it an all-around mediocre experience. An impossible movie to hate, perhaps, but just as equally difficult to love.

That said, if The Super Mario Bros. Movie had come out when I was eight years old, it would have blown my little Nintendo-lovin’ mind. I would have wanted to live in the Mushroom Kingdom, fallen in love with the Princess, and go on adventures with Mario and Luigi. I would have worn out my Blu-ray copy, presuming I hadn’t already watched it a million times on streaming.

Really, The SMB Movie is a family film made for those with short attention spans, which these days includes just about everyone. Parents who grew up with Mario will delight in the nostalgia and celebrity performances, while the kids will love the fast-moving visuals and Mario and friends brand recognition. Indeed Nintendo and Universal/Illumination made over $1.3 billion on this, a hesitant toe-dipping back into film. Who am I - as a 40-year-old male with no kids - to say they didn’t make the correct creative choices?

The first film’s overwhelming success signaled to Nintendo that audiences of all ages are very invested in the Mario film universe. With this financial assurance, I hope The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is allowed to stretch a bit more, slow down, and develop its own personality.

Super Mario Bros. (1993) went too far. The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023) doesn’t go far enough. Perhaps the third time will indeed be the Triple Jump needed to reach the top of the flagpole. C’mon Nintendo and Illumination, give audiences the fireworks we know you can create.

C

*images courtesy of eBay, Reddit, ResetEra and IMDB

Thanks for your feedback!

Milon’s Secret Castle

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Hudson Soft

RELEASE DATE: Nov. 13th, 1986 (JP), September 1988 (US)

Love ‘em and Hate ‘em

When the NES first appeared around the United States in 1985 and ’86, the games were simple, often one-screen affairs. Arcade ports like Donkey Kong, Balloon Fight, and 1942 peppered the lineup. Sports titles like Baseball and Tennis provided exactly what they promised, the best renditions of those sports to date on a home console, but still not deep in any way. Super Mario Bros. was the anomaly, a revelatory platformer that signaled where console games were going rather than where they’d been.

In 1987, however, developers’ ambitions were on full display. Non-linear adventures like The Legend of Zelda, Metroid, Deadly Towers, The Goonies II, and Super Pitfall challenged players in new and radical ways, not always to their liking. Only two of the five games listed here – Zelda and Metroid - are revered. Two others – Deadly Towers and Super Pitfall – are often cited among the NES’ worst games. But all five have one thing in common: they force the player to experiment, to think outside of the box.

Burn that random bush. Knock on this specific wall with the hammer. Jump in this one spot to make an item appear.

How would the player know to do these things?

Trial and error. Perhaps a glimpse into the Official Nintendo Players’ Guide. Whispers among the other gamers on the playground. If you’re lucky, the instruction manual might provide some solid tips.

For better and for worse, these games don’t hold your hand. They expect the player to bring their intelligence and problem-solving skills, and if you don’t have any, you’ll acquire some or break the controller in the process.

Milon Busts Loose

1988 brought its own fair share of non-linear adventure titles, including Rambo, Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest (we’ll get there) and today’s entrée, Milon’s Secret Castle. I don’t believe the retro gaming community hates Milon’s with the same passion as, say, Deadly Towers, but I rarely hear anything positive about it either. I remember hating it ages ago, but our younger selves are so seldomly right about anything. Time for a replay.

You play Milon, a young boy whose goal is to rescue Queen Eliza from the Evil Warlord in the Secret Castle. In the manual, Hudson Soft provides Milon a whole backstory about how he lives in a world where people communicate through music, but he’s tone-deaf or something so he can’t understand people. His journey initially kicks off with him searching for others who are like him, so that he can have some people to connect with, but he gets sidetracked with the whole Queen Eliza deal. This backstory is not critical to the game in any way, but damn, Milon’s plight is real.

Milon starts at the bottom of the castle, like a true peasant, equipped with a standard jump and a weapon that blows bubbles. Once you enter into one of the gigantic castle rooms for the first time, your goal is to search the area for money, find shops where you can purchase items needed for future areas, and destroy enemies to find the exit key. The Castle rooms often feel larger than they are, and the further you progress, the more complex they appear. Don’t let their imposing size intimidate you. The goal is almost always the same in every area of the game.

As ridiculous as it is, Milon’s bubble weapon is the key to progression. It slays demons, destroys blocks in each area, and reveals the hidden exit door. Blow bubbles at everything. You never know what you’ll find. Getting rid of the blocks in any given environment provides alternate pathways and can reveal essential items like money and honeycomb. We know what money does (makes the world go round), but honeycomb adds an extra line on your life bar. Also, it’s delicious, and Lord knows Milon needs a little sugar to keep his spirits up.

Once you clear the rooms on an entire floor of the castle, the boss will appear in a specially designated boss room. All of the boss battles are exactly the same. He hops around (usually in dragon form, but not always), blows out fireballs, you avoid them, blow bubbles at his face, he dies, the battle is over. Even the final battle with the Evil Wizard is just him bouncing around in his chamber, occasionally releasing some projectiles. Pathetic.

Boss battles aren’t why you play Milon’s Secret Castle, though. You play to explore, to uncover, to reveal. The Castle is one giant mystery, and every door, window, and even the well in the corner hold secrets for you to find.

And this, friends, is the crux of the entire game. Do you enjoy exploring the Secret Castle? Do you like blowing bubbles at every surface in order to find the last couple dollars needed to buy the fire vest, so you can survive in that one flaming area in the bottom of the well? Do you not mind revisiting rooms because you missed a necessary item? Sometimes shops have items that you don’t necessarily need to buy, like Shrink Potion. But if you don’t know that the boxing glove located in various rooms shrinks you, free of charge, you’ll buy the shrinking potion and waste five precious dollars.

Subscribe now

There are four floors in Milon’s Secret Castle, each with multiple rooms and areas. On the first two floors, any annoyance I faced was outweighed by the satisfaction I received in figuring out how to progress. By the third floor, however, my annoyance reached peak levels and at something seemingly small and insignificant: I couldn’t figure out how to enter a room. Did I miss something? Was I supposed to have some item that I didn’t have? I didn’t know. After weighing whether I wanted to go backwards and search through previously explored areas, I declined and turned off the game for good.

“But Dylan,” I hear you typing, “Why not just use a walkthrough?” Well friends, I was using a walkthrough. The only written walkthrough on Milon’s Secret Castle anywhere on the Internet that I could find. And trust me, I scoured. Even old game magazines, like Nintendo Power, didn’t provide a bit of help. And unfortunately, this walkthrough, for whatever reason, did not solve my problem.1

I don’t hate Milon’s Secret Castle anymore. Its unique ideas, like the bubble-blowing mechanic, aren’t always well-implemented, but I can see what Hudson was going for. That said, I understand why American retro gamers are generally put off by the game. Milon’s provides some limited satisfaction when you uncover hidden areas or items, but I never felt any true sense of accomplishment for my actions.

With Metroid, Samus finds additional weapons, energy, and skills along the way to assist her going forward. With Zelda, finding the dungeon, killing the boss, and getting a heart piece feels almost triumphant. Milon’s Secret Castle’s sole reward, such as it is, is just more exploration. And when you finally save Queen Eliza, you’re not done. The true ending is still one more full playthrough away a la Ghosts N Goblins. That’s a hard no for me in 2026, but even in 1988, even with gamers expanding their palettes with other non-linear adventures I can’t imagine many picked up what Milon’s Secret Castle was puttin’ down.

C

For a couple months in early 2025, I experimented with a different way of posting my content. Instead of articles that only featured two or three games at a time, I would post large newsletters that covered an entire month of Nintendo-related happenings. This included game reviews, but also miscellaneous stuff like Japanese Famicom games, Game & Watch games, and a look into the early Nintendo Fun Club newsletters.

These newsletters were fun to make, but took a lot more time to create than my previous posts. And the more I made them, the more I realized that they seemed antithetical to the posts I actually wanted to create to Substack. Wish it hadn’t taken hours and hours of writing to figure that out, but hey, a slow learner is still a learner.

Currently, I’m slowly going through these old “newsletter” posts, disassembling them, and re-organizing/integrating the sections I want to keep into the current “Nintendo is Great” framework.

That was a long, drawn out way of saying this article is a re-post, of sorts. But the good news is, if you’re anything like me, you probably don’t remember reading it.

I’ll have a couple more articles like these coming soon, but once I’ve posted those, it’s all new content, all the time, baby!

Thanks for understanding. Onto the Nintendo Fun Club!

Congratulations! You’ve just received a Nintendo Entertainment System Control Deck, complete with two controllers and a Super Mario Bros. game pak for Christmas. Your parents are tired. You are elated. Now all that’s left to do is make your dad plug the system in and play until your parents threaten to take it away.

The NES works great, the games are just too fun, but you have a problem: Super Mario Bros. is really stinkin’ hard. In fact, every game you attempt to play – Kung Fu, Excitebike, Ninja Kid – just decimates you with its difficulty. You are mystified yet intrigued. Why do you want to enhance your skills at these games that pummel you so? Why do you keep returning to them, despite the pain they cause you?

It must be love, you are certain. No one - not your parents, your teachers, not even Mr. Fluffles your beloved teddy - can convince you otherwise. You know you love Nintendo, and you want to get better at Nintendo games, but you’re not sure how to show your devotion and become a Pro Gamer at the same time.

Well, you’re in luck! Not only does Nintendo have Game Counselors ready and waiting to give you the hottest gaming tips for a mere $1.50 a minute, but they’re also inviting you into a very private, very exclusive Nintendo club for their favorite gamers. The best part? The club is FREE to join.

Subscribe now

You scrawl your filthy signature onto the membership card, shove it into the mailbox, and pace inside your house for a grueling 4-6 weeks. Will this torturous wait never end! you exclaim loudly to your mother every time she looks at you. She has no response. Why would she, she doesn’t understand your desire to transcend your limited elementary school preoccupations and soar into the gaming heavens a la Chubby Cherub?

A month and change later, you’ve lost weight, your schoolwork has suffered, and you’re no better at the meager games your parents have purchased you, but it doesn’t matter, because your Nintendo Fun Club membership packet has arrived! You tear into it, blinded by its contents.

A Welcome Letter!

Your very own personalized membership card!

A 90-day warranty pamphlet for some reason!

And, of course, the very first issue of the Nintendo Fun Club Newsletter! What wonders await inside?

“Wow, Howard Phillips has already played 10,000 hours of Nintendo? He’s a legend!”

“Hogan’s Alley looks amazing! Wonder if it’s better than Super Mario Bros?”

“Super Mario looks a little scary in real life, hope Wil and his brother are OK.”

“After I get awesome at Excitebike, I’ll get my scores printed in the next issue of the Fun Club!”

“Woah, I thought the fireworks were random this whole time!”

“Oh man, I need to get that “How to Win at Super Mario Bros.” book, otherwise I’ll never be the best gamer that ever lived.”

Clearly, becoming a Nintendo Fun Club member is the best decision you’ve ever made and likely ever will make. You’re not sure when the next issue will arrive, or if your mom will order you all the Fun Club merch that Howard Philips implores you to purchase, but at least, for this small moment, you are happy.

*all images courtesy of eBay, RR Auction, and the Internet Archive

Ahoy hoy, friends! Just wanted to give you all an update on where “Nintendo is Great” is headed in the near future.

First, over the next couple of months, you might see some articles that look familiar. Simply put, I’m in the process of streamlining my archives. While most of the older posts will remain the same, a handful will be dismantled and some of their content re-posted in brand new articles. I know this might sound confusing, but once I’m finished, I hope it will make my work on this Substack easier to find.

Second, back in January, I said that my desire was to discuss the Virtual Boy and its games in February. That didn’t happen, but I still want to talk about the Virtual Boy, including all the VB games released on Nintendo Switch Online and its peripheral. Please look for that in mid-to-late April.

I have lots of other article ideas that I’m excited to explore and share with all of you, but those will have to wait for a later date.

Thank you all so much for joining me on this ludicrous expedition to play and explore every game ever released on a Nintendo console. I so appreciate you reading, liking, commenting, etc. It really means the world.

Update over! Article start now!

In my previous Game Boy article, I asked if Nintendo’s first handheld was still worth playing 37 years after its original launch.

I recommend reading the full article, but this was my conclusion: “For most people, no. Not everything was better in the past. I hate mobile games, hate what they stand for, their predatory practices, yet even the worst among them still offer better experiences than the bulk of the Game Boy catalog. That said, if you’re an explorer, an adventurer, one who can look an ancient video game square in the eye and not flinch (or go blind), by all means, descend into the Game Boy library’s depths…”

We will eventually go spelunking in the Game Boy library, but for this article, we’re looking at three launch games, one of which is iconic.

Let’s find out.

FUN INFO NUGGET: In 1995, Nintendo of America (via the Kansas City Star) proclaimed that 46% of Game Boy players were female, compared to 29% on the NES and 14% on the SNES. I’m curious to know how many Switch players are female today.

Alleyway

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Nintendo

RELEASE DATE: Apr. 21st, 1989 (JP), Jul. 31st, 1989 (US), Sept. 28th, 1990 (EU)

Alleyway’s a zen experience. A block breaker game with no time limit. If you can keep the ball on the paddle, and keep hitting the blocks, you’re golden, move onto the next level. The ball doesn’t move that quickly, so it’s not terribly hard to keep hitting it, back and forth, back and forth.

Later level designs get tougher, granted, and there aren’t any power-ups to spice up the action a la Arkanoid, but it’s not nearly as teeth-grindingly difficult as Arkanoid, either. Plus, all the bonus stages have Mario character designs, so that’s a feather in Alleyway’s cap. I love fast-paced action games as much as the next testosterone-filled, shirt-ripping fool, but sometimes all you want to do is relax. Alleyway fills that void.

Critics, both at the time of Alleyway’s release and in retrospectives, either flat-out hate the game or consider it mediocre. This confuses me. It’s a ball-and-paddle game that was never intended to be some sort of deep experience. These are handheld games, remember? Designed for short bursts, for the salarymen on the densha in Japan or the high-powered financier on the private jet.

And anyway, Alleyway’s as deep as throwing a ball against the wall. You can lose yourself in that activity for hours if you wish, like looking at a fire or meditating, an activity that seemingly produces nothing in the tangible, but is incredibly beneficial for one’s soul. Or it can be a momentary diversion between the daily grind, a way to release some pressure without having to think too hard. Finding Alleyway boring is like needing to be fully satisfied at every moment. No time for contemplation, for the simple joys of just checking the mail, doing the dishes, simple conversation with a loved one. No time for throwing a ball against a wall for no reason, if only for a few minutes. Sad, really.

B-

THE GOOD NEWS: Alleyway’s available to play “for free” (with a $20/year subscription) on Nintendo Switch Online right now.

Subscribe now

Baseball

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Nintendo

RELEASE DATE: Apr. 21st, 1989 (JP), Jul. 31st 1989 (US), Sept. 28th, 1990 (EU)

I believe any person of any age could pick up Alleyway and... maybe not enjoy it, but understand why its steady rhythm could be hypnotic, intoxicating even. Baseball doesn’t have that. It’s an outdated, simplified version of Japan’s favorite American sport, despite being a mildly improved upon iteration of Nintendo’s Baseball for the NES.

Baseball GB functions surprisingly well, given its age and the capabilities of the Game Boy. Pitching and batting are smooth, and the players even run at a decent clip. The game slows to a death crawl, however, when the fielders throw the ball towards a base. I suppose the latter can be forgiven, however, since Baseball GB is trying to display multiple moving sprites on a playing field at any one time as a ball is being thrown. Three frames per second is about all one should expect from the latter action on hardware as ancient (albeit malleable) as the Game Boy.

Baseball GB has the same problem Baseball on NES has, though. When you’re playing solo, it’s hard to stay invested for nine full innings, let alone game after game. You can figure out how to hold your own against the computer with enough practice, sure, but antiquated sports games are just more fun with a buddy.

In 1989, Baseball GB was somewhat impressive. In 2024, it’s a reminder of how far handheld games have come.

1989: B-

Today: D+

BE WARNED: If you’re looking to go back in time with original hardware and play ball with a friend like it’s 1989, prepare to invest. Two copies of Baseball, two Game Boys and a link cable are what’s required. Or you could just play on Nintendo Switch Online and be done with it.

Super Mario Land

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Nintendo

RELEASE DATE: Apr. 21st, 1989 (JP), Jul. 31st 1989 (US), Sept. 28th, 1990 (EU)

When Super Mario Land came out in 1989 in the US, there was no Mario formula. Mario didn’t yet have a big, dead-eyed grin plastered on his face at all times. He didn’t appear plastic and hollow, a computer-generated creation one step away from Mickey Mouse in his lack of a soul. No, Mario was still a scrappy go-getter then, a plumber who traversed new worlds like they were nothing. The Mushroom Kingdom in Super Mario Bros. Subcon in Super Mario Bros. 2. And Sarasaland in Super Mario Land.

With Super Mario Land, Mario shrinks down, loses some color. He’s in a new world with a new antagonist, Tatanga. Some familiarities abound, like the mushroom that makes him grow. But the flower... there’s no fire in it. Once he ingests the flower, super balls appear from his hands and bounce around the stage. They’re only sorta effective, but still better than trying to squash everything. When he gets a star, some classical music plays – the Can Can portion from Jacques Offenbach’s “Infernal Galop” from Orpheus in the Underworld – while Mario annihilates every creature who dares cross his path. Classy and brutal.

Despite the unique kingdom names – Chai, Birabuto, Muda, and Easton – Sarasaland is a blend of earth locales and nonsense. The Birabuto Kingdom has too many pyramids and Sphinxes not to be Egypt, while the Easton Kingdom, with its abundance of Moai heads, takes place in or around Easter Island. The Chai Kingdom has jiangshis (Chinese hopping vampires) and traditional Chinese music in abundance, so we can all put two and two together there. The Muda Kingdom could be anywhere. It’s just a bunch of platforms over water, with some dead fish, robotic seahorses, and the best music in the game.

Unique locales aside, Super Mario Land is standard Mario platforming, with the occasional surreal twist. Mario jumps, he runs, he finds a steady rhythm amid the chaos. Goombas and Koopas – now called Nokobons – return, although the Koopa shells explode when you step on them now. Jumping on enemies like the Tokotoko (Moai head) or Gao (Sphinx lion thing) produces a sharp metallic grinding noise when they die, abrasive and disturbing. When you shoot any of the four bosses, they make unnerving crying sounds, like agitated babies. For two blessed stages, Mario Land turns into Super Mario Shoot-em-up. In Stage 2-3, Mario’s in a sub, destroying all the denizens of the sea, while in Stage 4-3, Mario reigns terror from on high in a biplane. All in the name of justice, of course. Mario will never be held responsible for any potential crimes, collateral damage, or environmental impact his actions have caused.

Kudos should be given to Nintendo’s R&D1 for not just releasing a bastardized version of Super Mario Bros for the Game Boy’s debut Mario game. Super Mario Land – in ‘89 and today - is another fresh, bizarre adventure from the Plumber Who Refused to Stay in Brooklyn.

A-

YES YOU CAN: And should play the plumber’s first Game Boy game on NSO, right now.

Game Boy

DEVELOPER: Nintendo

RELEASE DATE: Apr. 21st, 1989 (JP), Jul. 31st, 1989 (US), Sept. 18th, 1990 (EU)

LAUNCH LIBRARY (US): Alleyway, Baseball, Super Mario Land, Tennis, Tetris

On April 21^st, 2026, the Game Boy will turn 37 years old. 37 years of Tetris, the Super Mario Land trilogy, Link’s Awakening, Pokemon Red/Blue. Against all odds, the Game Boy captivated millions of people, many of whom hadn’t played a game since smoking was allowed in arcades. The bulky design fit comfortably in your hands, if not your back pocket. For years past its sell-by date, the Game Boy remained, steadfast and true, its unwavering four shades of gray and blurry screen a testament to working within strict limitations. “Lateral Thinking with Withered Technology,” as Game Boy designer, Gunpei Yokoi, decreed.

In the 90s, the Game Boy was the only gaming handheld that was a). affordable and b.) didn’t devour batteries. Up to 30 hours of gameplay on four AAs! Magnificent. The Game Gear, Lynx, and TurboExpress were all technically superior, but incredibly costly. Even if you were privileged enough to get one, you better have a stack of batteries ready to feed the beast, or you were hosed.

Dr. Mario, Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins, and F-1 Race (bust out the link cables!) were staples of long car rides to nowhere, those summer vacations when your dad wouldn’t ask for directions and got the whole family lost. Two extra hours of drive time, but that’s ok, the Game Boy could handle it, even if your eyes couldn’t. Play those games before the sun goes down or else you won’t be able to see the screen.

We didn’t have the greatest attention spans back then, but we also didn’t expect to beat our games. Most Game Boy games are short adventures, made for quick pick-up-and-play sessions on the bus or subway, nothing more. The original Super Mario Land could be conquered in thirty minutes, assuming you didn’t die repeatedly from slipping off a palm tree or something. I never beat it until I was in my twenties. Not sure why. It’s not the toughest game, but I just never wanted to beat it as a kid. Never thought about it. I preferred the mystery, the lack of knowing, in a subconscious kinda way.

Subscribe now

Somewhere among the Internet’s corrupt vistas, there exists a young man whose sole gaming experience growing up was the Game Boy. His parents either refused to buy him a home console or couldn’t afford it, so Game Boy it was. Under the covers, in the car, walking home from school. For this kid, the Game Boy was life, it was all he knew. A pure source of entertainment, strictly his. To him, Battletoads, Mortal Kombat II, and NBA Jam weren’t neutered, green-and-gray abominations, inferior to their console counterparts, despite what the other kids said. He defended the Game Boy. It was his companion, it brought him joy, and that’s all that mattered.

This young man could probably play the Game Boy well into his twilight years without much of a problem. The rest of us? That all depends.

Out of all Nintendo’s post-NES consoles/handhelds, the Game Boy remains one of the hardest to appreciate today, nostalgia notwithstanding. Most games suffer from jittery framerates and chunky hard-to-see visuals. Depending on the game, the sprites can be huge and detailed, but at the expense of knowing what pitfalls or enemies await you in your environment. The gray-and-green graphics on the dot matrix screen aren’t a real problem (unless you hate pea soup and pixels), but the lack of a backlit screen certainly is. Enough to make a grown man cry.

“We didn’t know any better in the 90s,” is what people often say, but they’re wrong. We knew plenty better. We wanted better, better already existed, we just couldn’t afford it, so we settled for what we had. That’s what kids do. Kids are resilient. Unless a situation is truly awful and traumatic, they’ll make the best of it. Even if Donkey Kong Land on the Game Boy looks like a pile of manure next to Sonic Triple Trouble on the Game Gear, we’ll play Donkey Kong Land because we actually own a Game Boy and it’s something to play. Anything’s better than nothing.

Is the Game Boy still worth playing today, 37 years later? For most people, no. Not everything was better in the past. I hate mobile games, hate what they stand for, their predatory practices, yet even the worst among them still offer better experiences than the bulk of the Game Boy catalog. That said, if you’re an explorer, an adventurer, one who can look an ancient video game square in the eye and not flinch (or go blind), by all means, descend into the Game Boy library’s depths. You might be surprised and find some gems. You might be horrified at what mankind wrought back in the so-called “halcyon days” of gaming. Either way, you’ll be a changed person. That oughta count for something.

Starting next week, Nintendo is Great will begin covering Game Boy games. As with our current NES coverage, we will look at each game in chronological order, according to their US release date.

*images and screenshots courtesy of Benj Edwards (Vintage Computing & Gaming), Wikipedia, FullyRetro, @NintendoMetro on X, RetroPlace, and Hardcore Gaming 101.

Lee Trevino’s Fighting Golf

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: SNK

RELEASE DATE: Mar. 24th, 1988 (JP), Sept. 1988 (US), May 18th, 1990 (EU)

The History

Hold up, wait a minute. What did that box say? “Endorsed by the U.S. National Video Game Team,” right next to Lee Trevino’s head. As if to claim equality with the golf legend himself.

But this isn’t the U.S. National Video Game Team Fighting Golf now, is it? So who are the U.S. National Video Game Team? How did they have enough clout to get their endorsement on an SNK-developed golf game? And why, out of all games, did they endorse Lee Trevino’s Fighting Golf?

According to Wikipedia, The U.S. National Video Game Team “was founded in July 1983 by Walter Day and Jim Riley as part of the Electronic Circus tour.” The Team was essentially comprised of top arcade players, and in the early-to-mid 80s, they’d go around the U.S. in a tour bus to arcades across the country and challenge top local players.

As the 80s progressed, the USNVGT also embraced home consoles. Donn Nauert, the Team’s captain starting in 1986, did a series of commercials for the Atari 7800 in 1987. He also served as referee for a TV special called “Incredible Sunday,” where three teenagers competed against each other in Super Mario Bros. 2, Rad Racer, and Ice Hockey - both for glory and a U.S. National Video Game Team jacket. Apparently, this program served as inspiration for Nintendo’s own World Championship Tournament in 1990.

None of this explains, however, why Lee Trevino’s Fighting Golf was chosen to receive the USNVGT’s endorsement, nor does it explain why SNK would allow them to place the endorsement right next to the game’s star.

I reached out to Patrick Scott Patterson, current curator for the USNVGT, to ask about this. He said, “I actually have original press documentation about the Endorsement seals that speaks to this… Might be a bit to get it out but when I do I’m happy to share. It won’t have any specifics for Fighting Golf but the USNVGT had a good relationship with SNK at the time, so I’m sure that played in. Jeff Peters (one of the original USNVGT members – ed.) even worked on Crystalis for the company.” If I receive any additional information from Mr. Patterson that sheds light on the Team’s endorsement of Fighting Golf, I’ll update this section at a later date.

So there you have it. The U.S. National Video Game Team had a good relationship with SNK. Presumably, the Team liked Fighting Golf well enough. Thus, the Endorsement seal.

But did the Team’s endorsement boost sales of Lee Trevino’s Fighting Golf? Hard to say. No official sales figures are available for the game. That said, late 1988 and 1989 is where NES game sales were beginning to skyrocket across all genres. The NES also hadn’t seen a golf game since Nintendo’s own Golf three years prior. This leads me to believe that Lee Trevino’s Fighting Golf was a success, simply because all the golf/gaming dads likely wanted something new. The USNVGT endorsement, while very noticeable and welcome, might have just been a bonus.

Subscribe now

The Game

Now that we’ve sorta solved that mystery, how is Fighting Golf, really? Do golfers bash each over the head with nine irons until Lee Trevino appears to put them in their place? Or is Fighting Golf just another golf game?

You select one of four characters – Pretty Amy, Miracle Chosuke, Super Mex, or Big Jumbo – each with their own strengths and weaknesses. For example: Pretty Amy has the least amount of power, but excellent control, while Miracle Chosuke’s power is also limited, but his putting skills are fantastic. And yes, their names are hilarious. Super Mex is Lee Trevino’s nickname from when he was actively golfing, but the others? Beautiful, contrived nonsense.

Don’t let the silly monikers fool you. Lee Trevino’s Fighting Golf putts for keeps. The game’s two courses, USA and Japan, are absolute golf ball death traps. No course architect worth his salt would have created these. Large bodies of water next to multiple bunkers. Four levels of rough ground, including “Super” and “Deep” roughness that severely limit your swing power. Limited fairway means you have to make every shot count. If you’ve never played a golf game before, Lee Trevino’s Fighting Golf will likely infuriate you.

The golf swing meter is very similar to Nintendo’s Golf. ‘A’ button to start your backswing, ‘A’ button again to set your ball’s flight distance, then ‘A’ again as the meter moves towards the arrow to release the ball. Once the ball is struck, however, you have options. You can hit a high ball by pressing ‘Up’ and a low ball by pressing ‘Down’ directly after you hit the ball. You can also curve the ball by pressing ‘A’ and ‘Left’ or ‘Right’ at the same time. Or you can just let the ball fly without any added intervention. The deeper you get into each course, though, learning the subtleties is how you’ll maintain a decent score.

In addition to being the first NES game endorsed by the U.S. National Video Game Team, Lee Trevino’s Fighting Golf is the first four-player game of any kind on the NES. Yes, it’s alternating four-player, so players pass the controls around as needed. The NES wouldn’t receive a four-player adapter until the NES Four Score in 1990. But still! Four friends, some Cheeto Puffs, and some Fighting Golf huddled around a CRT, what else do you need?

That is, of course, assuming said friends are ok with Fighting Golf’s steep learning curve. Even once you get a handle on the swing meter, the hole layouts are still brutal. A six mile-per-hour breeze and one miscalculated swing later can put you in heavy rough and set you back several strokes. Fighting Golf has solid play control, whimsical music, and even some humor in the player animations, but unless you’re a seasoned golf gamer, it’s often too stinkin’ hard for its own good.

C

*image courtesy of the Golden Age Arcade Historian

Jeopardy!

PUBLISHER: GameTek

DEVELOPER: Rare

RELEASE DATE: Sept. 1988 (US)

1988 is the year the NES broke through to the mainstream, the year when adults decided to pick up a controller and see what all the fuss was about.

How do we know this? Game show video games, the first of their kind, began to appear en masse.

From 1988-1992, both “Jeopardy” and “Wheel of Fortune” would receive a whopping four games each for the NES. Yes, these shows were massively popular. Yes, kids would watch them if they were on. But let’s face it. Kids were not asking for “Jeopardy” and “Wheel of Fortune” games. They either received them as gifts from well-meaning, but ignorant relatives or kids’ parents were purchasing the games for themselves.

I should know. I grew up with Wheel of Fortune: Junior Edition. Nobody under the age of 12 asked for this game as far as I could tell, but there it was, right next to the NES, alongside Ninja Gaiden II, Paperboy, and Super Mario Bros. 3. We played it just the same, because, well, it was a video game and it was there. Didn’t matter how it got there.

Jeopardy! is a mostly faithful adaptation of the television game show. You’ve got your six categories per round, your three contestants (possibly aliens disguised as humans, given their eerie misshapen forms), your “Daily Doubles” and the requirement to answer “What is _____?” No Trebek as host, though. He must have cost extra.

The game came out in September 1988, well before many of my readers were born. This means that the categories and subsequent questions are just a little outdated. “Warren Beatty,” a “New Hollywood”-era actor is one of the categories, as is “The Funnies,” an outdated name for newspaper comics, which are themselves all but extinct. The world’s changed a lot in 40 years. Some might say too much.

You can play Jeopardy! with up to three people, and you should. These antiquated game show games are a hoot with real contestants. Single player, though, the game just feels sad. An unintentional relic from a now-dying culture. What is… depression?

1P – C+

2-3P – B

Woah, kind of a downer there! Don’t know what the author was thinking. You’ll feel better if you keep reading and also subscribe and tell all your friends about this Substack, though. Works every time!

Subscribe now

Wheel of Fortune

PUBLISHER: GameTek

DEVELOPER: Rare

RELEASE DATE: Sept. 1988 (US)

Wheel of Fortune is Jeopardy!’s less cerebral cousin. You don’t need to have memorized arcane trivia facts about Buddy Holly and 14^th century Mongolia to succeed. Just have a strong arm and hope for the best. The wheel’s heavy, don’t cha know!

Like Alex Trebek on Jeopardy!’s NES version, host Pat Sajak and his incorrigible grin are nowhere to be found here. Vanna White is present and accounted for - or at least I think that’s her. She doesn’t look completely ghoulish like the Jeopardy! contestants, but her face does have a bit of an undead glaze about it. Must be the 8-bit curse. Oh well. She still turns letters like nobody’s business.

Like the TV show you’ve watched your whole life, Wheel of Fortune allows three players (computer or real) to spin the wheel, guess letters, win some money, buy vowels, and hopefully, solve the puzzle and move on to the next round.

Unlike NES Jeopardy!, though, playing Wheel of Fortune with computer contestants is a real snore. You watch them spin the wheel, then they pick a letter. If they get one, they get to spin again. If they don’t, on to the next person. The next person spins, then picks a letter. Eventually, it’s your turn again, but it takes so long, you could get a quick nap in. Play the game solo with no computer opponents, with a couple IRL friends, or not at all.

Wheel of Fortune follows the game show’s progression to a tee. Two main rounds, a speed-up round (vowels don’t cost anything!), then at last, the final round, where you can win such glorious prizes as a Dream Kitchen, a Luxury Bedroom Suite, and a Vacation to Hawaii. Presuming, of course, that the five consonants and vowel you choose produce solid results.

Even if you’re able to crack the always difficult final puzzle, you won’t actually win a Dream Kitchen. You just get to stare at a square representing a Dream Kitchen and picture what said Kitchen would have in it. Lavender drapes. Bay windows. An $8,000 high-end gas stove named Randall that talks to you and lets you soak your feet while you bake a pie. Whether you win or lose, these are all figments of your imagination. One of the most depressing endings to any NES game ever.

1P – C

2-3P – B-

Xevious

PUBLISHER: Bandai

DEVELOPER: Namco

RELEASE DATE: Nov. 8th, 1984 (JP), Sept. 1988 (US), Oct. 25th, 1989 (EU)

I don’t care if Xevious pioneered the vertically scrolling shooter in 1983. The game is boring as all hell, and I’m tired of acting like I should enjoy it because it’s influential.

You control Solvalou, a starship equipped with both a rapid-fire gun to take out flying enemies and bombs to destroy bases and ground vehicles. None of the enemies have any personality whatsoever in their design. The flying enemies are a mixture of circles, black orbs that appear and disappear, hospital cafeteria food trays, and what appear to be tiny socks flung at you. The ground enemies are stationary glowing red bases that fire projectiles or the occasional circular vehicle cruising on the game’s many, many dirt roads. Shoot them all, won’t you?

Xevious has no power-ups. No speed upgrade. No weapons upgrade. Just the gun and the bomb, forever and ever, amen. The lone musical theme is a steady drone that makes you feel like you’re at war with the world. Crudely rendered forests, dirt roads, and bodies of water are the only environments, repeated into mind-numbing oblivion. There are no stage markers either, just 16 supposedly connected areas that, once completed, start from the beginning. The better you are at the game, the more difficult it becomes. While faster enemies and more on-screen projectiles do provide Xevious its only measurable pulse, the added difficulty spike doesn’t elevate the game’s overall worth.

If Xevious had been an NES launch title in 1985 or come out in the console’s first full year on the market in 1986, I might be kinder to it. The NES’ inaugural years were filled with endearing simple titles; Xevious might have fit right in. So… why didn’t Bandai or Namco or someone bring it over sooner? Xevious’ Famicom port released in November 1984, only 19 months after the arcade. In other words, the game could have easily shown up on Western shores in late 1985 or 1986; could have even been the first shoot-em-up on the NES and enjoyed some solid sales. But no. Xevious showed up on the NES, unfashionably late, in September 1988, a whopping four years after the Famicom port. At time when kids were already playing and enjoying better shooters like Life Force and Legendary Wings. Bandai shouldn’t have even bothered.

D

Galaga: Demons of Death

PUBLISHER: Bandai

DEVELOPER: Namco

RELEASE DATE: Feb. 15th, 1985 (JP), Sept. 1988 (US), Oct. 1989 (EU)

Galaga has been ported many, many times from the arcade to just about every computer, console, and mobile device known to man. The NES version is the only one that carries the heavy metal subtitle Demons of Death. So strange. Did Galaga meet Slayer and decide to collab or something? What gives?

Whether Bandai thought the “edgy” subtitle would give the NES port some selling power in the US market is unknown. Frankly, it doesn’t matter. Demons of death or otherwise, this NES port is good ol’ reliable Galaga as you’ve known her, lo these past 40+ years.

Namco didn’t change a blessed thing from the arcade. You control a starship in a fixed position at the bottom of the screen. Lines of bugs fly in and form an advancing fleet. Your goal is to shoot as many as you can while they’re flying in. Otherwise, they might dive bomb and shoot at you later. The “Boss Galaga,” a large crab-lookin’ alien, can swoop down, capture your starship, and return to the top of the screen. However, if you let him do this, then wait for him to swoop down again, you can shoot him and have two starships placed next to each other for additional firepower.

Galaga: Demons of Death was the best port of the beloved golden age arcade game when it released on the NES in September 1988. Today, it still holds up well, thanks to Galaga being an extremely simple game at its core. Every main level features the exact same gameplay, save for the bonus levels that throw aliens at you for extra points. Increased enemy speed and difficulty in the later levels really test your mettle. Eventually, your ships are depleted and you either keep playing to get a higher score or move on to deeper experiences. Your mileage may vary.

A, if you love old arcade games.

C, if you don’t.

Golgo-13: Top Secret Episode

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Vic Tokai

RELEASE DATE: Mar. 26th, 1988 (JP), Sept. 1988 (US)

Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode, based on the oldest manga still in publication, might be the most ambitious NES game discussed on this Substack thus far. A bold claim, perhaps, but consider what it offers you. You’ve got first-person shooting modes including scenes where you hold a sniper rifle, zoom in on your target, and eliminate them, all while the rifle is shaking. First-person maze exploration is also on the menu, and while nothing much happens in these sections, the stilted progression and creepy atmosphere are incredibly memorable. Shoot-em-up sections, side-scrolling exploration of real-world locales interrupted by the occasional assassin and passerby with information, and some implied sex scenes. Golgo 13 has it all, whether you want it or not.

What’s more, all these seemingly disparate pieces somehow work, thanks to a brisk narrative that keeps protagonist, Duke Togo, moving from area to area. Just when you’re getting sick of walking the streets of Berlin, a gun appears from the corner of the screen, and you’re thrust into a first-person targeting mode, shooting acrobatic gunmen and helicopters that launch missiles at your face. Find the information you need and suddenly you’re in a helicopter, taking out enemy planes on your way to your next location. Whether you’re scuba-diving and hunting sharks or out for a stroll near the Parthenon, the game does an excellent job at immersing you within its world.

Golgo 13 has mood and tension for days, but it’s also a frustrating slog. Street assassins are able to duck and shoot you, but you can’t duck to shoot them. You can shoot them or kick them when they’re standing, but our boy Duke just can’t duck or crouch for whatever reason. Duke has a decent amount of life, but if you get caught between multiple enemies, good luck. The controls are clunky and Duke moves slow, so you may as well just take the death.

Like Master Higgins in Adventure Island, Duke’s life decreases even while he’s just walking around, and more so when he gets hit. Thankfully, killing enemies increases your health and adds more bullets every time, so if you’re running low, shoot ‘em up, bang bang. Dispatching gunners in first-person targeting sections nets you considerably more life as well, but their aim is better than your everyday street thug. Always trade-offs in Duke’s forever dangerous line of work.

Ancient games that try too hard and don’t quite stick the landing are still more interesting than your run-of-the-mill soulless platformer. For that reason, Golgo 13 should be experienced today. Appreciate its vast scope, if not its wobbly foundation.

B-

Subscribe now

Jackal

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Konami

RELEASE DATE: Sept. 1988 (US)

All respect to SNK’s Iron Tank: The Invasion of Normandy. It’s hard, it’s slow, but it packs a mean wallop, even if its aim is questionable. Still, if you’re gonna play just one top-down vehicular shooter from 1988, make it Jackal. Instead of a tank, you drive a jeep, which initially feels like a power downgrade. Less force, perhaps, but Jackal’s jeep aims better, drives faster, and all around feels better to control. You can also stash like 17 rescued soldiers in there. How do they all fit? Who cares! ‘Murica!

The jeep is piloted by two healthy Green Berets. Lt. Bob guns it up, and Sgt. Quint steers the wheel. Bob is equipped with a standard machine gun, unlimited ammo, and as many grenades as he can throw. Sgt. Quint has a doctorate in five-speed, perfect for navigating the vast complex of enemy territory. Their mission: rescue as many POWs as possible, while destroying/avoiding a myriad of enemy soldiers, tanks, cannons and copters.

Bob and Quint drive through deserts, a shipyard, Grecian ruins, a swamp, among other areas, all supposedly a part of Cambodia. Video game logic at its finest, baby. The level design is solid, a nice mix of wide-open spaces and tight, narrow corridors. Jackal doesn’t overload you with challenge either, at least for the first three (of six) levels. As long as you’re alert and shooting/lobbing anything that moves, you likely won’t lose any lives; particularly if you’re a shooter veteran. The jeep handles any challenge like a champ, of course. Those TSK-21 Panthers and Shark Attack subs won’t know what’s coming.

Now, you don’t have to rescue the POWs. All they give you are a bunch of bonus points at the end of the level and a weapon upgrade (grenades to long-range bazookas, totally worth it). But if you do choose to be a humanitarian and go after them, you’ll have to destroy their holding cells, wait patiently until they all file into the jeep, then eventually drop them off at the copter landing site. You’ll know it when you see it. A chopper, surrounded by lights and enemies, waiting patiently for you. Disposing of the enemies is a must but waste them quickly. Otherwise, the chopper will leave, and your clown jeep full of weary veterans will become even that much more uncomfortable.

Jackal is a blast, a pure pick-up-and-play burst of adrenaline. There is no depth to be found here, no overcomplicated story or mechanics. Blow crap up, rescue your fellow soldiers (if you want), and feel incredible doing it. A party well worth attending.

B

Adventure Island

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Hudson Soft

RELEASE DATE: Sept. 12th, 1986 (JP), Sept. 1988 (US), 1992 (EU)

Adventure Island is a devious trickster. When you first start the game, the bright music and colorful graphics deceive you into thinking that you’re playing a game for kids, if not all ages. Master Higgins is a happy-go-lucky sort of guy, particularly while he’s skateboarding. He’s out to rescue his girlfriend, Princess Tina, and he’s in a hurry, but he also seems to be enjoying himself along the way. He eats fruit to keep his strength up. He throws axes at enemies. He runs and jumps and skates and avoids landing on the rocks, so he doesn’t lose a chunk of life and trip into an enemy snail or frog or something. Yes, upon first glance, Adventure Island seems like an innocuous platforming romp, one you could easily complete in a lazy afternoon.

So let’s roll with that assumption for a second. Adventure Island appears to be a light and breezy platformer. As you play through the first world, you might notice its gameplay feels a bit… familiar. You run as fast as you can through each area due to your ever decreasing energy bar. You bounce off precariously placed platforms, avoiding or killing enemies with your single power-up, the axe. You collect fruit so you don’t perish before you reach the end of the stage. What’s this? Adventure Island is a running platformer in the vein of the first Super Mario Bros.

Mario has a time limit. Master Higgins has a dwindling energy bar. Mario has a fire flower. Higgins has an axe. Small Mario and Higgins will both die instantly from hitting an enemy, but if Mario is big/has a flower and Higgins has a skateboard, they can take two hits before death. Both Mario and Higgins’ stages force the player to memorize enemy patterns and platform placements to succeed. True, Mario can hop on certain enemies, whereas Higgins will die if he hops on them (even the snail! – poor weak Higgins). Otherwise, the similarities are stunning. At times, Adventure Island feels more like the true sequel to Super Mario Bros. then Super Mario Bros. 2.

But is Adventure Island just aping SMB or is there more going on here? Yes to both. Adventure Island is a port of the arcade game, Wonder Boy, developed by Escape. However, Adventure Island’s developers Hudson Soft were only given the rights to Wonder Boy’s gameplay, due to a licensing agreement Escape had with Sega. Sega essentially helped Escape start making games, and in return for their help, Sega gained the rights to Escape’s characters and names. Thus, the name “Wonder Boy” and its protagonist Tom-Tom, among other characters, were off-limits for Hudson Soft to use. At the time of Adventure Island’s development, Hudson Soft spokesperson Takahashi Meijin was a Japanese celebrity, so Hudson’s vice-president decided to turn Meijin’s likeness into the game’s main character. Confusing, no? To sum it all up, Master Higgins is Takahashi Meijin. Adventure Island is Wonder Boy, sort of. And Wonder Boy borrowed heavily from Super Mario Bros.

At first, Adventure Island is pretty enjoyable, particularly if you like Super Mario Bros. In addition to the previously mentioned similarities, Adventure Island has that very specific brand of Japanese quirkiness and charm strewn throughout its entirety. Higgins’ facial expressions are hilarious, riding a skateboard is a delight until you inevitably biff on a rock, and one of the enemies is a thong-wearing pig named Pooter. Good times all around.

The two games’ pacing and rhythm are also incredibly similar, at first. Once Higgins gets running in earnest, it’s a joy to leap on platforms, toss axes, and just get to the end of the stage as quick as you can.

Once you reach the third world, however, Adventure Island’s flow collapses. Enemies, rocks, and fires are suddenly placed way too close together, so you have to slow to a crawl to take them all out without dying. Fruits are placed further and further apart, and you have to get them all to keep your energy bar from tanking. In stage 3-1, Higgins must slow down to go over a series of moving platforms that are timed just so funky, the timing makes no sense at all, especially compared to similar sections in the game’s inspiration, Super Mario Bros. And the latter section is long, it takes forever to complete. Yeah, yeah, “get good” and all that, but once you’ve died a dozen times and gone back to the beginning over and over, a sense of “why bother?” emerges. There are so many other less frustrating games we could all be playing.

If you really want to see all that Adventure Island has to offer, you can get infinite continues by finding the Hudson Bee right before the goal at the end of the first stage. Then when you get a game over, you hold ‘Left’ on the D-pad and press ‘Start.’ So there is a way to at least limit your frustration, but again, why bother? Adventure Island pretends it’s your friend, then disrespects you to your face when your guard is down. Why allow it access to your precious time and life?

The tropical air turns sour, the once-beautiful sunset now feels foreboding, and the island life you thought you desired is actually a prison. Master Higgins has no choice. He has to move or die. You don’t have to join him. Not when Super Mario Bros. remains a timeless classic. The Mushroom Kingdom might be a dangerous acid trip, but at least it’s consistent.

C

Subscribe now

Life Force

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Konami

RELEASE DATE: Sept. 25th, 1987 (JP), Aug. 1988 (US), Nov. 22nd 1989 (EU)

When you play a game like Life Force in our modern age, this operatic spectacle of a shoot-em-up filled with insane set pieces and wild boss designs… on one hand, it’s a beautiful, incredible thing to witness. It’s one of the best-looking NES games - in 1988 and beyond. It’s got incredible music, it’s just so wonderfully designed, perfectly paced, all of that. It’s so hard and satisfying and annoying and gorgeous. But I can sit here and write this glowing review for it, and you can read it and think, “Wow, this guy really appreciates Life Force, maybe I’ll check it out.” (Let’s be real, you probably won’t, but you could). You could “find” the game online, play it for a bit, maybe you like it, maybe you don’t. You move on with your life. There is no revelatory awakening. It’s a neat NES game, maybe, but nothing more.

But imagine a world where mystery still exists. The only ways to find out about new games are either a magazine write-up, maybe some fuzzy screenshots, or going to the department store where you might see a cover for a game that intrigues you. Most NES game covers from 1988 are trash, but Life Force’s is intimidating. A giant snake dragon demon thing emerging from both fire and space simultaneously, somehow. If you’re able to sneak a glimpse at the back cover, the screenshots entice you further. What is that intense fire curl? Those jagged teeth? Are those Moai heads? What even is a Moai head? You must have this game. Or at least try to play it. But you can’t get it yet, not yet, because games are $40 in 1988 ($108 in 2025 dollars). Your parents might be middle-class and live in the suburbs, but even they don’t have that kind of money to spend on a frivolous purchase.

Your birthday rolls around, early 1989. You ask for Life Force. Your mom tries to find it. She even goes back to that store where you originally saw the game. It’s out of stock. No employee knows when they’ll get new copies, only that they’ll be coming in “soon.” You’re bummed, but she gets you another game that you expressed interest in, Metal Gear. You bide your time.

You overhear someone at school say that they have Life Force. You don’t know the kid, but you ask them about it. They say it’s the hardest game they’ve ever played. Even their older brother who’s really good at games can only get to stage 3 before he runs out of lives and continues. The legend grows. You ask if you can come over and see the game. The kid doesn’t know you, so he says no. None of your friends have it. Only a couple have even heard of it, but they’re more preoccupied with Zelda and Super Mario Bros. 2 to care.

Finally, Christmas 1989, over a year after you first saw the game in stores, you see a conspicuously wrapped package under the tinsel-laden tree. Looks like an NES box. Feels like an NES box. Could it be? Could it finally frickin’ be?

It is. Life Force. That reptilian head is just as terrifying and enticing as when you first saw it. You can’t wait to play it.

And you do. And you’re enthralled. You wonder if maybe you hyped it up too much in your mind. Not a chance.

You play for five hours on Christmas Day, just getting used to the controls, the enemy placement, and what each power-up does. Stage 1 has living terrain. Both the ground and ceiling rock grow outwards and can crush you if you’re not quick enough. Jagged teeth emerge, like on the back cover, but thankfully they’re pretty slow. But it’s the final part of Stage 1 that trips you up. You’re forced to shoot through these red fleshy growths to carve out a path, but the flesh grows back – fast! By the end of your extended play session, you’ve finally reached the boss, but it’s too late. Your mom makes you turn off the NES. You’ve played too much, she says. You can beat the boss tomorrow.

Yes, this is an exaggeration of the past. Chances are, Life Force wouldn’t be that hard to find and “you” would be able to get it whenever birthday or Christmas or Hanukkah rolls around without much difficulty. A few month wait vs. a year.

The point remains, though. Life Force is a game that is best enjoyed when you have no idea what to expect. When all you have are a few scant screenshots that only hint at something absolutely wild.

I’ll give you this nugget. Life Force is a shoot-em-up consisting of both horizontally and vertically scrolling levels (just like our friend, Legendary Wings). You can play by yourself or with a friend, and if you choose the latter, get ready to either hate each other or become the best teammates of all time. Playing through Life Force by oneself is difficult enough. But two people simultaneously? You’re gonna have to be on some deep Jedi force intuition, syncing in ways man typically never syncs to even get past the initial levels.

With Life Force, you just gotta go in cold. Don’t watch any videos of it. Don’t look up any other info about it. Just figure out a way to try it. Especially if you like shoot-em-ups (if you don’t like the genre, well, you’ve made it this far in the article. Maybe Life Force will change your mind?).

If you choose to take my advice, I hope Life Force feels like a discovery of your own rather than some glowing endorsement you felt obligated to try. The best video games, the ones we remember the most, are the ones that surprise us, the ones we weren’t expecting to be good, for whatever reason. May Life Force, one of the greatest, most intense shoot-em-ups on the NES, surprise and delight you.

A

Hey, thanks for reading! If you do decide to play Life Force for the first time or if you’ve enjoyed Life Force before, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the game in the comments below.

Also if you enjoyed this post, feel free to leave a like or subscribe, it really warms the ol’ heart cockles. Cheers!

Subscribe now

Iron Tank: The Invasion of Normandy

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: SNK

RELEASE DATE: July 29th, 1988 (JP), July 1988 (US), 1988 (EU)

When we were kids in the 1980s and 90s, there was no such phrase as “Nintendo Hard.” NES games were just hard, that was that. We expected hard. I won’t say we embraced it; it just was what it was. Every once in awhile, we’d find a game we could beat if we put enough time and energy into it. Maybe one of the Disney/Capcom joints, like The Little Mermaid. Most of the popular action games, though, pummeled us mercilessly. Your Ninja Gaidens, your Contras, your Castlevanias, they were a blast, but damn, were they humbling. Playing tough-as-nails NES games as a kid meant playing the same stage over and over again until you finally conquered that one pesky area you could never get past. Or, just as likely, you ran out of lives and continues, then you’d go play outside, like nothing ever happened.

Iron Tank: The Invasion of Normandy is proper Nintendo hard, the kind that makes you feel like you earn every checkpoint you get past, every boss you destroy. A typical NES game, in other words.

You control Paul, an erstwhile Ikari Warrior-turned-tank operator, and Paul controls the Iron Tank, a formidable piece of machinery equipped to infiltrate Nazi Germany during World War II. Your tank has a machine gun, which turns with you as you move the tank, and a more powerful turret, which must be turned manually.

The turret control is where many will struggle. In order to shift the turret in your desired direction, you must hold down ‘B’ and turn it with the D-pad. Fine enough, but ‘B’ also fires the machine gun. It’s a clunky button assignment, held back by the NES’ limited controls, and the configuration won’t come naturally to most people. Nevertheless, I promise you, if you keep playing Iron Tank repeatedly, the way it was meant to be played, you will get the hang of it.

In this 8-bit rendition of the Normandy invasion, the Nazis have ground soldiers, opposing tanks of various strengths, and mean armored tank and turret bosses, all of whom spew grenades and other projectiles at you without fail. Thankfully, your tank has a solid life bar, and E (energy) icons are in relative abundance. Other lettered icons – V, B, F, etc. – provide rapid firing abilities, stronger shots, pierce armor, and increase your shot range. Interestingly, you must equip these abilities on the menu screen, your tank won’t just automatically use them when you collect them. Iron Tank provides you with these goodies for a reason: you’ll need them all. How else is one man/machine supposed to topple the entire Nazi platoon?

Occasionally, you’re presented with a fork in the road. Go left or right, either way, Nazis are there, ready to hurt you. Different routes have differing amounts of enemies, though, and some routes are shorter than others. Whichever route you choose, though, you’re in this war for the long haul. Iron Tank is a long, brutal game, my word. Just look at that map on the menu screen below. Imagine getting to that red square in one play session! Thank goodness for passwords.

Iron Tank has you going over bridges and railroads. Mines litter your path. Planes descend and drop bombs near your position. Soldiers and tanks get in your way constantly. The game is a relentless, chaotic mess that doesn’t ever let up. What’s worse, the odds are always against you. The Iron Tank of renown is too slow. The turret controls are too clunky. And the game might just be too tough. But like other difficult NES games of old, I find I can’t stop playing. The challenge invigorates me. The difficulty is the point.

B

Legendary Wings

PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Capcom

RELEASE DATE: July 1988 (US)

Before Capcom found their niche on the NES with action platformers like the Mega Man series and DuckTales, they brought over some of their arcade shoot-em-ups, like Commando, Gun.Smoke, and perhaps the strangest of all, Legendary Wings.

Legendary Wings is not the tale of Icarus trying to stop Robot Zeus from destroying the earth, despite what the cover art implies. Rather, you play an unknown soldier, gifted with wings by Ares, the God of War. Your mission: to stop the supercomputer Dark from completely destroying mankind. Why does Dark want to obliterate humanity? Why does Ares, of all gods, give you the assignment to take out Dark? Wings are cool and all, but why are they necessary to complete your mission? All these questions will not be answered. This is the late 1980s. Insane, nonsensical stories are there to facilitate the developers’ desired gameplay, nothing more.

You’ve played a vertical shoot-em-up before, you know the drill. Clusters of wiry enemies descend from on high and either spray projectiles at you or kamikaze in your general direction. Shoot as many as you can, avoid their attacks, rack up the points, and hopefully feel awesome doing it. Winged Man is initially equipped with a single shot and missiles, but said shot can grow stronger up to four additional times with powerups. If you get maximum powerups, you turn into a flaming bird/dragon, and you’ll never want to be normal Winged Man again.

After you beat the dragon mid-boss in every stage, Legendary Wings does a curious thing and transitions into a horizontal shoot-em-up. Winged Man descends into a temple and must avoid/destroy carefully placed enemies while navigating tight, claustrophobic areas. Eventually, you’re spit out into a dark void, where a disgusting phallic abomination awaits its inevitable destruction.

Legendary Wings thrives in its pacing and setting. Splitting the game into vertical and horizontal sections, with slightly different gameplay found in each, provides variety that most shoot-em-ups lack. Capcom also knows when to bombard and when to pull back. Even after enemies fly in from every direction and overwhelm your senses, a lull in the action appears, just enough time for you to collect your bearings before the next assault (the latter generosity is unfortunately discarded in later levels, but hey, it’s nice while it lasts). The seemingly Greek-inspired backdrop, from desert to coast to forest, with bizarre statues, pyramids, and enormous heads, is a refreshing change from basic aliens and the blandness of space. When the relatively tranquil environment shifts into a spooky robotic hellscape out of nowhere in stage 4, it’s jarring to behold, in the best possible way.

Legendary Wings will frustrate you, no question. If it was released today, gamers would call it a Souls-like shooter and we’d all be forced to vomit at the tired reference. The game doesn’t just make you mad for no reason, though. It gives you a taste of the good stuff, that feeling of power and even invincibility amidst the onslaught, before you catch a stray enemy shot and you’re humbled again. This dance, this give-and-take, provides just enough confidence, just enough pleasure, for you to want to keep trying. If you beat the game, wonderful, fantastic, you’ve acquired bragging rights. But even if you never take down Dark and save all of humanity, the journey itself – whatever amount you’re able to experience - is rewarding enough.

B+

Thanks so much for reading to the end! If you enjoyed this post, please leave a like, comment or subscribe, it really ties the Substack together!

Subscribe now

Personally, I haven’t played a Nintendo console for a third-party game since… GameCube, maybe? If it’s a third-party exclusive like Mario and Rabbids, sure, but those are becoming more and more rare as corporations need every last platform and microtransaction just to get by.

That said, big-name third-party titles are a sign that Switch 2 is healthy… for now. If you want more games like Resident Evil 9 and Indiana Jones and the Great Circle, unsheathe thy wallet and spend forth!

Today’s Direct was short and sweet, only 31 minutes, so hopefully this article won’t be 3,000 words long. Onwards!

ORBITALS

A beautiful looking co-op 3D puzzle-platformer, complete with 1980s anime visuals. I’m not sure why the announcer is trying really hard to make the game sound cool. Look at the graphics! This game sells itself! Also, Orbitals is a third-party Switch 2 exclusive, so shut my mouth, they do still exist. I’m not a co-op kinda guy, so I doubt I’ll be picking this one up, but It Takes Two and Split Fiction sold a gajillion copies each, so I’m betting Orbitals will do just fine.

PARANORMASIGHT: THE MERMAID’S CURSE

The second entry in a series I’ve never heard of before. Looks like a Famicom Detective Club murder mystery with supernatural twists and turns. Unless, of course, it’s like “Scooby Doo” and the villain is just dressing up like a mermaid to scare/kill people. That name needs workshopping, though. Paranormasight is awkward to type and even more awkward to try and recommend to someone.

CAPTAIN TSUBASA 2: WORLD FIGHTERS

Soccer might be the most popular sport in the world, but it’d be even more popular if every player could go Super Saiyan and just absolutely decimate the ball, the other players, and the goal. I have no idea what Captain Tsubasa 2 is about other than ridiculous soccer action, but this over-the-top trailer may have sold me.

TOKYO SCRAMBLE

Female protagonist discovers entire underground labyrinth of ancient creatures and must avoid/escape them, lest they eat her and, ya know… she’s dead. The dinosaurs look like velociraptors with hair, which is a bit silly, but the other monster designs do look unsettling. Lots of sneaking, eerie atmosphere, and the trailer doesn’t seem to reveal too much, which is great. Also, Tokyo typically gets invaded by demons in video games, so the city having an ancient hollow earth underneath them is a nice change of pace. I’ll be picking this one up for sure. Oh, and this is another Switch 2 exclusive. For now.

VALHEIM

The insanely popular survival/adventure game comes to Switch 2. Like Paranormasight, I’d never heard of Valheim before this trailer and I was immediately entranced by the PS2/Xbox graphics. Is that how the game looks on Steam and other platforms? I sure hope so. I don’t get on with games where you have to craft every little thing just so you won’t get taken out by bears and the elements, so I doubt I’ll get Valheim. The game looks like it was made with love, though. I appreciate that.

HOLLOW KNIGHT: NINTENDO SWITCH 2 EDITION

Slightly improved graphics for one of the most popular indie games of all time, you know you want it. Free update too! Can’t get cheaper than free.

eFOOTBALL KICK-OFF!

Showing this soccer game after the powerhouse that is Captain Tsubasa 2 feels like a mistake. eFootball is just regular dudes playing regular soccer on a regular field. No extreme roundhouse kicks or half the team piling into a goal for some reason. Just the dead eyes of David Beckham’s avatar, pretending he’s having a good time.

THE ADVENTURES OF ELIOT: THE MILLENNIUM TALES

Such a goofy name for what looks to be another HD-2D banger. The game looks gorgeous, and traveling through multiple ages is right up my alley.

SUPER BOMBERMAN COLLECTION

7 old-school Bomberman games in one collection, including three that never came to the US. These games can get pretty repetitive in single player, but they are peak multiplayer experiences. Looks like you can play against friends with Gameshare, not sure about online play. Hopefully this collection does well enough and we’ll see Saturn Bomberman and even the N64 outings in a second compilation.

FINAL FANTASY VII REBIRTH

I’ve heard nothing but great things about these FFVII remakes, and these Switch 2 versions of Remake and Rebirth look absolutely stunning. Shame about their massive size, though. 102 GB for Rebirth, wow! Gonna have to purchase more micro-SD Express cards, RIP our wallets.

PRAGMATA

Haven’t seen Capcom get this funky and experimental since P.N. 03 on the GameCube days. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Regardless, this astronaut/little-girl android team-up looks like it’s headed right for the feels. As the Dude once said, “I’ll be there, man.”

TUROK: ORIGINS

Turok is the goofiest FPS series that just refuses to die. And yet, despite wading into the depths of insanity throughout its nearly 30-year-span as a franchise, Turok: Origins actually looks kinda awesome, in a mid-2010s FPS sort of way. I mean the latter as a compliment! I never thought I’d miss that time, but I do! The environments and monster designs in particular look fantastic. Can’t believe I’m sorta excited for a Turok game in 2026. What a timeline we live in!

Subscribe now

KYOTO XANADU

Tokyo might be feelin’ the scramble, but Kyoto’s got troubles of its own, like monster portals and gifted high schoolers with spooky powers. Is this a Metroidvania with RPG battles? I couldn’t quite tell from the gameplay. Either way, this doesn’t look like a straight Persona rip-off, which is a good thing.

DIGIMON STORY TIME STRANGER

As if we don’t have enough ‘mon running around, making all the money, Digimon is, against all odds, still getting games. It must be popular enough, but with who? I remember Digimon with the 90s cartoon and the PS1 games and the feeling like, yeah, Bandai’s giving this series the ol’ college try, good for them. But then, just as quickly as it appeared, it faded away. Now, like with Turok, Digimon is back, ready to conquer and confuse the game-playing masses in 2026.

GRANBLUE FANTASY: RELINK – ENDLESS RAGNAROK

“Say son, what’cha playin’?”

“Granblue Fantasy: Relink – Endless Ragnarok.”

“Uh… what?”

“C’mon Dad, Granblue Fantasy: Relink – Endless Ragnarok. You heard me the first time.”

“Oh, ok. Just, uh… just wanted to make sure I wasn’t having a stroke. Carry on, son.”

This is the most anime JRPG game I’ve ever seen, if not in my life, then at least in the last few years. And hey, it comes out on my birthday, so if any of my readers are feeling generous, you know what to gift me (this is a joke, please do not gift me this game).

MONSTER HUNTER STORIES 3: TWISTED REFLECTION

Teaming up with “monsties” in Monster Hunter Stories 3 looks downright wholesome. Still need to play the other two games in this side-series first, though. All things decently and in order.

ARCADE ARCHIVES + CONSOLE ARCHIVES

Rave Racer, the third installment in the Ridge Racer series, is making its home console debut, thirty years after it released for arcades. Neat! I don’t always like every Arcade Archives release, but I do appreciate Hamster’s desire to preserve as many old games as possible.

But wait, what’s this? Console Archives?! I remember when this was called Virtual Console! Right now, at this very moment, you can purchase Cool Boarders, a very antiquated PS1 snowboarding game, and Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos, a masterful NES action game (available to play for free on NSO, but you didn’t hear that from me). Later releases include Doraemon, a very basic Famicom title, Sonic Wings Special, a previously Japan-only shoot-em-up, and... more? Such a random assortment of games, but I’m here for it.

MONTAGE TIME

SCOTT PILGRIM EX

Pixelated beat-em-up action.

ANOTHER EDEN BEGINS

Mobile-lookin’ JRPG, complete with Frog from Chrono Trigger ripoff character.

REANIMAL

This scary-looking game loses its edge when paired with the upbeat montage soundtrack.

WWE 2K26

Let’s wrassle our brains out.

STAR TREK: VOYAGER – ACROSS THE UNKNOWN

Between Digimon, Turok, and this inexplicable Star Trek: Voyager survival game, the late 90s are back, kids.

DISNEY DREAMLIGHT VALLEY - NINTENDO SWITCH 2 EDITION

Hang out with Disney characters and make all your wishes come true, probably.

PGA TOUR 2K26

Tiger Woods hasn’t aged a day.

CULDCEPT BEGINS – NINTENDO SWITCH 2 EDITION

Board/card game lookin’ thing.

GOAT SIMULATOR 3

Goats have more exciting lives than people in this game.

SHADOW TACTICS: BLADES OF THE SHOGUN

Sneaking around in feudal Japan, but doesn’t look nearly as cool as Tenchu.

TALES OF ARISE – BEYOND THE DAWN EDITION

Another Tales of… RPG, except this one’s already sold over three million units on other platforms, a number that’s genuinely shocking to me.

RESIDENT EVIL REQUIEM (+ RE 7 AND 8)

My boy Leon S. Kennedy is back, and while I already knew that before the Direct, it’s still good to see him. The gameplay – a cross between more measured survival horror via Grace Ashcroft and more direct action with Leon – looks to be as good as ever. Expect this one to break all the sales records.

The Requiem Pro Controller looks ok, nothing special. Those amiibo, on the other hand, look unusually depressing. Particularly in the face department. Maybe they’ll fix those before the game’s release in a couple weeks…

BETHESDA SHOWCASE

FALLOUT 4: ANNIVERSARY EDITION

Am I crazy or does Fallout 4 look kinda… bad? Like it’s running on Switch 1, not Switch 2. I have very little faith in Bethesda’s porting ability after the Skyrim Switch 2 debacle, and I can’t imagine I’m alone in that. Wait for reviews on this one.

INDIANA JONES AND THE GREAT CIRCLE

On the other hand, Indiana Jones and the Great Circle looks fantastic. Swashbuckling, rope swinging, Harrison Ford-ing good times. I know, Fallout 4 is an 11 year old game, Indy just came out in 2024. Still, one would think for the Fallout 4: Anniversary Edition, there would be some extra polish and care given to the presentation.

THE ELDER SCROLLS IV: OBLIVION REMASTERED

Fun fact: Oblivion was my very first open-world game, and I relished every minute of it. The music, the atmosphere, the enormous Prima strategy guide. I played it for six months straight during my last year in college, and I was really sad when I ran out of quests to complete.

I am the prime candidate for this remaster, a man jonesing for nostalgia at a time when the world seemed simpler, if not better. All that said, I have absolutely no desire to play it on Switch 2.

Which brings me to my…

FINAL THOUGHTS

I want Switch 2 to succeed. For it to continue to have robust sales long into the future, it needs a healthy mix of first-party standouts and third-party success stories. Nintendo’s own games will always sell at least moderately well on their systems, but third parties? The future is decidedly uncertain on that front. When Switch 2 initially launched, sales for third-party games were not great. Hopefully that’s stabilizing a bit. Still, if Nintendo’s brand new console is smashing all sales records, but third parties aren’t tasting any of that success, they won’t be bringing their titles to Switch 2 for much longer.

As I’ve stated repeatedly on this Substack, I’m not a handheld gamer. I like Nintendo games and exclusives on Nintendo platforms. For everything else, I play on the PS5, because I don’t care that I can play Resident Evil 9 at the airport. I like trophies and I like cheaper game prices. How many people are like me? I don’t know.

Point is, big-name third-party games are great, but Switch 2 needs some amazing, unique titles to call its own. Even if they’re temporary exclusives, like Octopath Traveler and Monster Hunter Rise. Outside of Orbitals and Tokyo Scramble – two solid-looking titles, admittedly – I see nothing here that won’t be released on all other platforms.

I see a lot of haters for this direct already. Personally, I thought it was fine. It accomplished what it needed to, proving to current Switch 2 owners that there will be plenty to play on the system for the first half of the year. That said, if you don’t care about portability and you already own one of the other modern consoles, nothing shown in this Direct will make you want to buy a Switch 2. And that, friends, is not the impression Nintendo should be making right now.

Welcome! Thanks for being here!

Since this Substack began in September 2024, I’ve mostly covered the NES, with a smattering of Switch 2 discussion here and there.

Starting in February, however, I’ll be covering all Virtual Boy games released for Nintendo Switch Online. Through the rest of 2026, I’ll also be introducing Game Boy, Game Boy Advance, SNES, N64, and GameCube coverage.

If you want more info, this post will help you out.

Defender II

PUBLISHER: HAL Labs

DEVELOPER: Vid Kidz (port by HAL Labs)

RELEASE DATE: Sept. 24th, 1987 (JP), July 1988 (US)

Originally named Stargate in the arcades, Defender II is indeed a sequel to the original arcade classic, Defender. The Shooting Aliens in Space genre may have kicked off with Space Invaders in 1978, but Defender added some zip and movement to the whole affair. With Space Invaders, your laser cannon is locked on the ground while aliens descend upon your location from on high. With Defender, you have a ship that can move horizontally in two dimensions, left to right to left, zapping alien menaces, free as a space bird. Fun fact: did you know both Defender and Stargate (Defender II) were released in 1981, only seven months apart? None of this “decade between sequels” business that we have today.

But let’s say you’re a young kid in 1988 (or a middle-aged man in 2026) and you’ve never played Defender or its sequel. What does Defender II on NES have to offer? Make no mistake, this is still very much a 1981 game dressed in mid-1980s, 8-bit aesthetics. The story is threadbare, the gameplay is simple, and each level proceeds more or less as the last, save for tougher enemies appearing as you progress.

You control the Defender, a spaceship equipped with infinite lasers and limited screen-clearing smart bombs. Enemies with enigmatic names like Gul Mutants and Yllabian Space Guppys appear en masse to give Defender a hard time. The human Residents of the planet make perfect alien food, but if you save them while they’re being abducted, you’ll get a sweet 1500-point bonus. Stargates – glowing squares in the center of the screen – will warp you to a different part of the level. Destroy all the pretentious aliens, then move on to the next area, then do it again until you lose all your lives or boredom consumes you whole.

Defender II is wave after wave of sparkly stars, glistening in the darkness of space, while red laser mountains keep you on the straight and narrow. It’s a perfect 1981 arcade game, modestly recreated for your NES in 1988. Defender II is not why you own an NES, however. It’s a decent time-waster, something you play between grand adventures, but little more.

C+

Gauntlet

PUBLISHER: Tengen

DEVELOPER: Atari Games (port by Tengen)

RELEASE DATE: July 1988 (US)

Gauntlet is a dungeon crawl-y action game most known for its four-player arcade cabinet, one of the first of its kind. Unfortunately, NES Gauntlet was released before the NES Four Score peripheral was even a glint in Nintendo’s eye, so you’re locked to two players here. That’s ok, though. Whether you have only a single comrade-in-arms or a full team, Gauntlet is an enjoyable (if archaic) multiplayer experience.

Thor the Warrior. Thyra the Valkyrie. Merlin the Wizard (on loan from Arthur). Questor the Dork- er, Elf. For Gen-Xers disillusioned with the world, these names are as memorable as Cloud Strife, Master Chief, or Steve. Thor wield axe, no magic. Thor move slow. Thor big and powerful. Thyra is the most well-rounded character, slicing and dicing fools in as little clothing as possible. Merlin takes creeps down to magic town, but he’s old and frail so proceed with caution. Questor looks like Robin Hood, which means he wears tights and he’s fast, but he’s also weak. Caricatures all, but they get the job done.

Select your hero and the top-down hack-and-slashing begins in earnest. Ghosts and grunts and demons and sorcerers, all with varying abilities and strength, go out of their evil way to make your life as miserable as possible. Enemy generators continuously pump out the bad guys, to the point that the NES can barely handle the dozens of wicked jerks on screen at once. Destroy them quickly or you’ll certainly be overrun.

The main goal is to find the exit, and eventually, the Sacred Orb, but along the way, there are treasures and other goodies worth collecting. Nabbing 50-100 treasure chests increases your maximum health, while other items like potions increase your armor and fighting skills for the rest of the game or until you die.

There are around 100 rooms in the game, and while each present slightly different challenges, the overall gameplay loop is the same. Collect keys, open doors, get treasure, kill abominations, and get to the exit (mind the fake ones!) before too much health has drained from your body.

In addition to enemy damage, your life drains as you move. The latter might be realistic but it’s also a cheap design to suck as many quarters from your pockets as possible. Treasure rooms are a great way to fully replenish your health, but they appear only sporadically. If you don’t find enough gruel or alcohol to enhance your health along the way, the afterlife absolutely awaits.

Playing with one or more friends has always been the way to tackle any Gauntlet game, including this NES iteration. Sure, you have to split treasures and food amongst yourselves, but sojourning with a buddy into the dark abyss is leagues more fun than tackling undead legions on your own.

SOLO: C

WITH A FRIEND: B

Thanks for reading! If you liked what you read, please leave a like, comment, or subscribe, it really ties the Substack together. Thank you!

Subscribe now

R.B.I. Baseball

PUBLISHER: Tengen

DEVELOPER: Namco

RELEASE DATE: Dec. 10th, 1986 (JP), June 1988 (US)

Do you like sports? Do you like… baseball? We hope so. The Great NES Baseball Game Deluge begins here with R.B.I. Baseball and doesn’t stop until we hit Bases Loaded 4 in 1993. Base Wars, Baseball Stars, Dusty Diamond’s All-Star Softball, the innings just won’t stop. You’ll be buried in peanuts and Cracker Jack by the time we’ve covered all the NES baseball titles.

First up to bat: R.B.I. Baseball, a port of the very adorable Namco-developed Pro Yakyuu: Family Stadium for Famicom. This game is, for all intents and purposes, a sequel to Nintendo’s Baseball. Certainly Namco didn’t intend this, but it happened all the same.

R.B.I Baseball plays just like Baseball, only the actual pitching, batting, and running all work properly. The fielders behave as they should, no missing the ball despite being five feet from it. Plays are executed more quickly, the players all have stats that may or not may not mean anything, the sprites look more like Fisher Price figures, and you’re able to watch games now, in case you want to see what the computer looks like when it’s playing itself.

R.B.I. Baseball is the first game to be sponsored by the MLBPA, so all the players have their authentic names. Nolan Ryan is here, albeit in shrunken toy form. And while he does play for Houston, he does not play for the Astros, thanks to no MLB licensing; there’s only so much money to go around, don’t ya know. According to Wikipedia, in-game batter and pitcher capabilities do, in fact, correspond to their real-life counterparts, which is neat. We did not play several hours of R.B.I. Baseball to put this to the test.

If you like retro baseball, there are other, more substantial ways to get your fix, even on the NES. On the other hand, what baseball game lets you play as Gary Pettis in his 1987 season? Strikes and home runs.

B

Subscribe now

Bases Loaded

PUBLISHER: Jaleco

DEVELOPER: TOSE

RELEASE DATE: June 26th, 1987 (JP), July 1988 (US)

The original Bases Loaded is certainly the nicest looking baseball game on the NES up to this point. Large and surprisingly detailed (for 1988) player sprites dominate the pitching/batting screen. Of course, when the camera switches to overhead view to show the fielders, the players transform into wee little action figures, just like all the previous baseball games we’ve played thus far. Will this change in the future? Will the NES eventually be able to handle large and in charge baseball player sprites throughout an entire game?

“Who cares,” is the honest and reasonable response. Bases Loaded plays well enough, and that should indeed be enough. At first, the behind-the-pitcher view comes off as awkward, given that every other NES baseball game to this point positioned the camera behind the batter. We still think the latter view is the best POV in these older baseball titles, but at least Bases Loaded is trying to differentiate themselves from the surprisingly vast competition. And the more you play in the behind-the-pitcher view, the less problem you’ll have striking out your enemies.

Batting is slightly more difficult to manage. Unless the ball flies right towards the center of the umpire’s glove, it’s challenging to tell where it might end up. Again, though, practice makes perfect. Keep on swinging, and eventually, you’ll be hitting doubles and triples with the best of ‘em.

The controls are fine. The graphics are fine. The overall baseball-ing is fine. The announcer calls “Ball!”, “Foul!”, and “Out!” and the results are not a crackly mess. Unlike R.B.I. Baseball, Bases Loaded is not endorsed by the MLBPA or the MLB, so you’ll have to be ok playing with fake players and teams. We imagine if you enjoy playing retro baseball titles, real names and teams are the least of your concerns.

As always, Bases Loaded (and every other NES sports game for that matter) is far more enjoyable with a second person, specifically one you can yell at and shove for when they do better than you. Find that guy (or girl), and load those bases. Your country depends on you.

B-

The Wilson Sports Poster offer that came with Bases Loaded. Which poster will you choose, or will you cough up the $2.75 for all three?