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Tennis
PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Nintendo
RELEASE DATE: Jan. 14th, 1984 (JP), Oct. 18th, 1985 (US), Sept. 1st, 1986 (EU)
ALSO AVAILABLE ON: Arcade, PC-88, X1, Famicom Disk System, Game Boy, Gamecube (via Animal Crossing), eReader, Virtual Console (Wii, 3DS, Wii U), Switch (via Arcade Archives), Nintendo Switch Online
Tennis is the kind of game you bring home to mother. It's safe, unassuming, and incredibly non-threatening; so much so, that she will probably bake it a pie, embarrassing you and Tennis in the process. In fact, your entire family will probably love Tennis, as it holds no real opinions or ideas of its own. There will be no shouting matches with Tennis, no loud, uncomfortable political debates. Just the simple, quiet hitting of balls back and forth over a net, forever and ever and ever.
Two crudely designed human sprites (sans mouths) emerge onto a tennis court. One player begins the match and hits the ball over the net. The other player – hopefully – hits the ball back over the net. This vigorous exchange of ideas continues until one of the players fails to hit the ball, hits the ball out of bounds, or drops the ball in some form or fashion. A point is gained (in the form of 15), and the match continues. Whoever gains four points first wins the match.
Here's the thing about Tennis... the matches are never really over. You cycle from one match to the next, all while Mario issues decrees and verdicts from atop his intimidating referee chair (I know this squatty humanoid is Mario, both because I feel it in my bones, and because "Mario Mania" tells me so). Tennis never stops unless you shut it off. You can, if you so desire, volley ‘til you drop.
Tennis offers straightforward, bare bones, back-and-forth ball hitting. No options. No real players. No features. There is simultaneous two-player, which is a far more clumsy affair than one-player (good for laughs, if nothing else). There are also harder, faster opponents, depending on the difficulty you set before you play. Otherwise, Tennis revels in simplicity.
As with Baseball, Tennis has its endearing subtleties. For example, when you score a point, sometimes your opponent will bum rush the net, like he's going to beat you up. Other times you'll score a point and he'll remain curiously still, as if he can't believe he let you have that one. The players' move like cartoon characters across the court, their feet ablaze as they race to get the ball. The goofy sound effects are all great, especially the exaggerated squeaks of each player’s shoes, Mario's chiming referee calls, and the tennis ball occasionally landing like a wounded fart against the back of the court.
You either grew up on early NES games or you didn't. To some, Tennis and its launch brethren are unplayable, antiquated relics from a time that most of us barely remember.
That said, Tennis is surprisingly playable today and remains one of the NES' best racket games, if you can believe that. At its best, the game's nonstop back-and-forth helps you zone out and forget your problems. Even after several matches, you won't feel like you've made any progress, but progress is besides the point. Tennis exudes enough of a calming presence to keep you going for another day. And its positive effect on our mental health, my friends, is why your mother loves it so much.
B
What I Wrote About Tennis in 2013
Tennis does have its (double) faults, though. Because each game lasts a fortnight (3 rounds, six games per round), it’s easy to become bored quickly. Playing Doubles with a buddy, though amusing, isn’t necessarily the best boredom prevention tool either. Unless your partner is willing to keep to their side of the court, it’s difficult to navigate the court with two people. Tennis isn’t “Serena-and-Venus worthy,” but of all the 8-bit tennis options I’ve deuced, it is the luvliest.
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I’ve never played this. I will be tonight though on my OpenEmu!
"Your face is out." I'm totally taking that out on the court with me next match.